tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35948950191414268942024-02-06T18:36:49.009-08:00Adventures in Adoptive Parenting"Our children are not ours because they share our genes...
they are ours because we have had the audacity to envision them.
That, at the end of the day...or long sleepless night,
is how love really works."
Author: unknownJason and Cherylhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017087401152240300noreply@blogger.comBlogger42125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3594895019141426894.post-67197837763670687802011-12-15T01:41:00.000-08:002011-12-15T01:41:24.365-08:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Found this while Christmas shopping and thought it was profound. I do not know who the author is (otherwise, I would give credit , where credit is due). Happy Holidays !<br />
<br />Jason and Cherylhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017087401152240300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3594895019141426894.post-21544277313469776202011-11-06T14:31:00.000-08:002011-11-14T22:22:33.711-08:00When Life Hands You Lemons, What do you do with them?It's been awhile since I posted to this blog. It hasn't been an intentional decision but one that has coincided with several life events: the death of my 96 1/2 year old Grandmother, health issues with other family members and the preparation for/eventual surgery that I had just eight weeks ago. Eight weeks ago, I had my remaining ovary removed due to an over production of estrogen which was fueling another health condition that I have. To say that I didn't really want this surgery to happen would be an understatement. Who really wants to enter menopause at any age? But at 41 years young wasn't what I expected.Of course, life is never what you expect it to be. I never expected to have to have a subtotal hysterectomy at age 30 and be told that we would never be able to have any children. I never expected to have the surgeries I have had through the years after having a lifetime of never being hospitalized. I never expected to wait four years for our baby to find its' way to us and I DEFINITELY never expected to hear that I was not eligible (pre-surgery of course) to have a surrogate carry a biological child for us due to the amount of estrogen that I would have to be given to produce enough eggs for implantation because that amount of estrogen could impact my life severely. So, the question in my mind now becomes: What do I do with the lemons that have been handed to me?
Right now, I don't feel like making lemonade. I just feel like taking the time to grieve the true end of my reproductive years that I never had a chance to experience. I am taking steps in the right direction by seeking counseling and searching for support from other women who have been through what I have and am also navigating the ever confusing "hormone jungle". I can not take any HRT due to a condition that I have that feeds off estrogen which really stinks because the hot flashes, night sweats, and exhaustion don't seem to have an end in sight. I am doing the best that I can with what I have been given. It isn't easy and it isn't fun but somehow, I muddle through. I have to be "here" for my husband and my daughter and I mean both physically and mentally....not an easy task when I'm still sorting out how to deal with changes that my body has not had the luxury of time to adjust to. I am seeing my life from a whole different perspective and trying to keep the eventual advantages of this surgery in mind. Hopefully, staying positive will make it easier to make lemonade with the abundance of lemons that I have been handed in the past few months. We'll see.... stay tuned.<br />
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<br />Jason and Cherylhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017087401152240300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3594895019141426894.post-10538158811685538642011-06-17T03:48:00.000-07:002011-06-17T03:48:00.435-07:00A follow up to my previous post ......The Adoptive Mother's Dilemma<br />
Should you label your child as adopted?<br />
by Carrie Goldman Segall | May 31, 2011<br />
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I was sitting in the sandbox with Katie as she busily tried to cram a handful of sand into her mouth. “Katie, give the sand to Mama; don’t eat it. That’s yucky.” Katie dutifully dropped the gritty clumps into my hand. “Mama,” she said. “Katie,” I sang back to her. “Mama, mama, mama,” Katie chanted to me. It was her favorite word. "Yes, love, Mama’s right here.”<br />
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We had company that day — there was another mother with her baby in the sandbox. I noticed her look curiously from me to Katie, then back at me. She watched us, taking in my dark-brown eyes and even darker brown curly hair, then openly staring at Katie’s incredible blue eyes and pale-gold hair. I knew what was coming. The mother could not help herself. “Where did she get those blue eyes?” she finally blurted out.<br />
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This wasn’t the first time I’d been asked this question. I live through this scene in waiting rooms, on store lines … everywhere. I watch as strangers examine my daughter and me, unable to reconcile the physical differences. I answer to their curiosity: “Is your husband blonde?” “Who has the blue eyes in the family?” “Wow, you are awfully little to have such a big daughter. Is your husband big?” Some days I just find it easier to reply with, “My mom has blue eyes,” rather than explain to them that her birth mother is actually the one to credit. I’m not ashamed or embarrassed; I just don’t feel the desire to reveal Katie’s personal situation to strangers.<br />
<br />
More adoption stories on Babble:<br />
<br />
CBS segment warns against CBS segment warns against adoption scams<br />
<br />
Oprah Discovers She Has a Half-Sister Who Was Given Up for Adoption Oprah discovers she has a half-sister who was given up for adoption<br />
<br />
Jane Russell, Hollywood Icon and Adoption Pioneer Dead at 89Jane Russell, Hollywood icon and adoption pioneer dead at 89<br />
<br />
Katie was in foster care when we adopted her. Before getting to her door, we had lost a baby, suffered through fraudulent birthmothers and birthmothers who rejected us. We traveled back and forth by airplane to Katie’s town 14 times before we were able to bring her home. Is this something I really want to get into with people I don’t know?<br />
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When my husband, Andrew, and I are out in public with Katie (and now our two biological younger daughters), we often see families with children that are instantly recognizable as adopted: Usually it’s two Caucasian parents with Asian children, although there are certainly many other combinations of parent and child. The population at large sees these children, notes that they are of a different ethnicity than their parents, and deduces that they are adopted. But since Katie is the same ethnicity as we are, people do not assume she is adopted. And yet she looks so different from us that people stare and try to make sense of it.<br />
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Their scrutiny makes me feel like I have a secret, and as time goes by, Katie, too will bear the burden of the secret. A little Chinese girl with Caucasian parents is not carrying around a “secret” about her adoption — her situation is already assumed. By contrast Katie will continuously be evaluating social circumstances as she grows up, deciding whether or not she wants to disclose the fact that she is adopted. Since she’s still young, I frequently make the decision for her. And I struggle with it.<br />
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Each time people ask about Katie’s blue eyes, I know the answer is far more important to the impressionable child standing next to me than to the inquirer. It’s a delicate dance: I do not want Katie to feel the stigma of being different yet I want her to embrace her uniqueness. If I avoid telling strangers the truth, will she feel as if it’s something to be hidden? Studies show that it is healthier for adopted children to acknowledge that they are adopted and to accept that they are different and have special emotional needs, but Katie should not think of herself as my “adopted daughter” — she is simply my daughter who happens to be adopted. How do I show her that it is okay to be adopted without constantly labeling her? I do not know the answer.<br />
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Perhaps Katie will be blissfully well-adjusted, regardless of how I answer these questions. And perhaps Katie will spend years in therapy, struggling to accept her adoption. The dance continues, the choreography always subject to interpretation, to refinement. As we dance together, moving and leaping through space, I am confident of what matters: I am her Mama, and she is my baby.Jason and Cherylhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017087401152240300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3594895019141426894.post-9744241579234728662011-05-20T16:52:00.000-07:002011-05-20T16:52:26.403-07:00Will the "Real Mother" please stand up?The other day I brought my daughter to the home of one of the students that I homeschool. This is not a normal occurence but since she was home with me this week I decided to bring her along. Everything was going well- the kids got along beautifully, said daughter was happy to look at her new surroundings, watch the fish and play with new toys. <br />
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Then it happened.....my student asked the question I've been waiting for someone to ask: "So, who is your daughter's real mother?". To say I was stunned by this question would be an understatement. My response was "I am her REAL mother". I am not implying by that statement that my daughter's birth mother isn't real, didn't give birth to her or isn't a part of her life because that's not true on any level but I am saying that I am the one who takes care of her on a daily basis, loves her like no one else possibly could and is here for her forever and always no matter what comes hew way in life. Right now, my daughter does not yet fully understand what it means to be adopted. She knows she has a birth mother and father and a half brother but even these concepts are very abstract to an almost 3 year old. What she does understand is that my husband and I are her family---we are her parents in all the ways that matter. <br />
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My students' parents were embarassed that their child had even brought this question to the fore front. I,on the other hand decided that the question wasn't meant to hurt me or my daughter but to help my student understand what adoption truly means. I think the best explanation of adoption that I have heard recently was actually while viewing an episode of "Sesame Street". Gina, decides to adopt a baby from Guatamela. When Elmo asks what adoption is, Gina's reply is straight forward and to the point. Gina discusses how there’s a baby who needs love and caring for and she wants to be the person to provide those things. What a perfect way to describe such a complicated topic to preschoolers. This explanation offers just enough detail without being overwhelming. <br />
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When I was a child, our family had some friends that had adopted two children that were about the same age as I was. I never questioned who their parents were because to me it was obvious, THEY were their parents even if someone else gave birth to them. As someone recently pointed out to me, giving birth doesn't make you a parent. The only thing I could think of when I heard this quote was something that I read in a Joyce Meyer book which said: "Just because you go to church doesn't mean you're a Christian. I can go sit in the garage all day and it doesn't make me a car!. Same principle just different words. <br />
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I guess I better get used to questions because people are people and they have inquiring minds. We also know that our daughter will have a lot of questions as she grows and understands more as well. Does this mean that we should never tell anyone that she is adopted to protect her and us from the pain the "REAL MOM" question poses? I don't think so but I do think as she grows, she will choose who she will or won't want to tell. In reality, being adopted doesn't make our daughter different in a negative way. In fact, she is lucky to have more branches on her family tree than the average child her age. <br />
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So, yes the "REAL Mother" has stood up and taken credit for all that she has done and will do throughout her child's life. "REAL" has never sounded so good :) . <br />
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Until we meet again, <br />
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Cheryl and JasonJason and Cherylhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017087401152240300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3594895019141426894.post-10236649281033441852011-03-02T07:53:00.000-08:002011-03-02T07:53:23.939-08:00Up, Up and Away.....This past weekend we went to visit family in Virginia. We were unsure of how our sensory sensitive child would do traveling via airplane. In the past, she has been pretty predictable but this time, we just weren't sure what would happen. This time, we decided to prepare her in advance by showing and talking to her about traveling on a plane. She was so excited about the plane, so much so that she pretended she was a plane all week ! We also decided to bring her a busy bag full of fun things to play with, snacks/drinks and settled in to our last row seats. She loved the freedom of the seat belt and was fascinated by the feeling of being in the air. There was tons of noise because of the location of our seats. The noises annoyed Jason and I to no end but our daughter loved them...they were soothing to her.<br />
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I wish I could say that the flight home was as easy. Our flight did not leave until 10 pm which gave us plenty of time to visit with family but did not make travel easy for us. On the way to the airport, our toddler was fine...singing, talking, etc. The same held true for the check-in once we got to the airport and entering the plane. She sat in her seat with her seat belt attached. We had two seats next to each other and she had decided that she was going to sit next to me on the flight. My husband sat across the aisle from us without a travel companion in the other seat next to him. Things seemed to be going well. My daughter and I read books, colored and then BAM !! instant meltdown when she was told that she couldn't have something that she wanted. I think I have mentioned before that when our daughter is angry, she's a bit like 'The Incredible Hulk' i.e screaming, crying, clenched fists, a change in the color of her normally porcelain cheeks and teeth that like to bite. Now, I have to say that we are not in love with the biting part but for the most part, we can usually stop her before she does any harm to anyone's skin. This time, however, I was not so lucky as her razor sharp teeth bit my thigh. I was very calm considering the circumstance and told her that biting was not ok and that it hurt. Do I think she understands what I am telling her? Absolutely. Do I think she bites for fun? No but I do think she bites out of frustration with not having the words to tell us what is really bothering her. After she calmed down, I massaged her head and got her comfortable with her head on my lap, boots off and a pillow made from my coat. Not even two minutes later, she was fast asleep on my sore thigh. <br />
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As she lay there fast asleep, I began to cry. It doesn't happen often but when it does, it's like a waterfall. I know I was crying because my thigh was hurting but I was having doubts about my parenting skills. Was I really that bad of a mother that my child felt it necessary to bite me? Or was she so comfortable with me that she felt it was okay to bare those pearly whites? Rationally, I know the answer to these question but when your at 10,000 feet and have a mind that never stops working, any rationality you had goes out the window. <br />
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Suddenly, as if a message was sent to me through God through the two gentlemen that were sitting in front of us. One of the gentlemen turned to me and said "Don't get frustrated or be embarassed....we both have kids. I have 5 and my friend has 5. Traveling with little ones isn't always easy. We won't be upset by anything your child does....we are used to it !" Those were the right words at the right time and I really let them sink into my jumbled brain. Someone finally understood EXACTLY how I was feeling at that moment and it was a relief to me. I wasn't the only parent that felt frustrated with their child at times... HALLELUJAH !<br />
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Now that I have had a few days to reflect upon what happened on our return flight, it is easy to see that so much of H.'s frustration had to do with being overstimulated, tired and not getting her way....a deadly combination if there ever was one. It was not about how much she loves me or even if she liked me at that moment. It wasn't about me and I shouldn't have taken it so personally. We learned from this experience, we will never again travel at 10 pm until H. is much older. I do have to admit that the time of the flight was an honest mistake....hubby thought he had made it for 10 am but had done 10 pm instead. By the time we noticed the error, it was too late to change our departure time which was unfortunate. <br />
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<br />
Despite all of the drama of the return trip home, we really did have a fabulous time in DC. Jason and I actually had a "date night" to go see "Bon Jovi" in concert (which was my Christmas gift from hubby this year) and H. had some much needed bonding time with my in-laws. She was also fortunate enough to spend some quality time with her cousin, Jaz and Godmother touring my in-laws farm. She loved the whole experience of being on a farm...particularly petting the baby calf. Overall, H. did very well in a new and different environment. Hopefully, that's what I will be able to reflect on one day when I am older and wiser. Two will only be here for a short time and that's what I need to keep in perspective.Jason and Cherylhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017087401152240300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3594895019141426894.post-30926724122885707832010-12-07T12:29:00.000-08:002010-12-07T12:29:37.661-08:00The Terrible Two's ,,,,,As I may or may not have mentioned before, our daughter has a slight developmental delay. This delay is centered around the fact that she was premature by 8 weeks and also had a Grade IV brain bleed (serious stroke) three days after birth. Incredibly, she has overcome any initial prognoses her doctor's gave her and to most people she looks and acts like a typical two year old except for one difference---she has what we believe to be SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder). I hate labeling kids, so I would rather positively state that she is a "Sensitive Child" which means she is sensitive to many things in the world around her. Her brain goes into overdrive when she hears certain sounds, has clothing on that she find uncomfortable for some reason or even when she is told "No" for any reason. She does receive Occupational Therapy to help her integrate sensory input into her world. In turn, this helps us to understand what her needs are when this happens and how we can teach her coping mechanisms to deal with them. But don't think I am saying that this is all easy because it just isn't. <br />
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The sensitivities are one thing but God obviously thinks that we can handle more to deal with as she has just started what most deem as the "terrible two's". This is the stage when your sweet, obedient child turns into something that resembles "The Incredible Hulk"... destroying things, angering easily, tantruming for an apparent reason at times and no apparent reason at others, etc. I used to love watching "The Incredible Hulk" when I was a kid. My favorite part of the whole show was usually just before David Banner turned into the Hulk as his line always was: "Don't make me angry, you won't like me when I'm angry!". I never realized that I would one day be dealing with a miniature version of this creature as a parent. We love her but sometimes, just sometimes, it is hard to like how she behaves. <br />
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So what is a first-time parent to do? Drink lots of wine? Give yourself a "time out"? This is where the real challenge lies. So far, we have continued to give her the structure she craves, ignore the tantrums, praise her efforts and remain consistent with disciplinary issues. Our daughter is enjoying the sights and sounds of the holiday season right now but two weeks from now, she may dislike the same commotion. The hardest part about this is that you can't help but think that you and your "egocentric" child will ever make it through this phase and become the independent, responsible adult that you hope to raise but I guess it does happen. <br />
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We are finding over time that our daughter is becoming more aware of the world around her and more frequently asks for what she needs to cope. This is truly a blessing because for the longest time, she was unable to verbalize what she needed which led to frustration on both our parts. Sometimes to cope, all she needs is a simple hug, other times she might enjoy being wrapped up in a blanket like a burrito, sometimes it's wearing certain clothing items that help to apply deep pressure to her joints, and finally being asked if she can go on her slide or be swung inside a blanket seems to also have a calming effect on her. <br />
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This whole area of "Sensitive Children" is not something I am very educated in despite being a Teacher. I have had students with SPD before but they were a bit older and the fact that they weren't my child made it much easier for me to deal with on a daily basis. I have been told that things will only get better as she grows older. That's reassuring to hear but I won't believe it until I actually see it happen before my eyes. Right now, we are working on accepting the fact that the sensitivities she has now may or may not follow her into the future. I guess acceptance is the first step to conquering whatever comes our way. <br />
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Until we meet again,<br />
<br />
Cheryl and JasonJason and Cherylhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017087401152240300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3594895019141426894.post-55108372678292775772010-10-12T19:16:00.000-07:002010-10-12T19:33:24.396-07:00From crib to toddler bed....I have always had a hard time time with change. If you were to ask anyone that has know me most of my life, they would tell you that this is something that I have struggled with since childhood. The biggest change in my life was when our daughter finally came home from the NICU @ two months old. For as excited as I was about becoming a Mom, there was a part of me that feared it. After being just my husband, dog and I for so long, we had gotten comfortable with our lifestyle and had no clue how much having a child would impact life as we knew it. Despite many a sleepless night and what seemed like permanent insomnia (on my part), we made it through the transition from NICU to living together as a family. <br />
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Our daughter's life revolves around transitions right now and this is just the beginning of most of them. Right now, we are attempting to transition her from a crib to toddler bed. This is a frightening but necessary step for all of us because said toddler is VERY TALL for her age. This of course means that she is a bit like a superhero--meaning that she is able to leap over crib rails in a single bound ! We have only witnessed one episode of this leaping at home. I remember the day well. I was downstairs having my morning cup of ambition when I heard a loud thump from our daughter's room. This loud thump was followed by some crying and screaming. I raced upstairs to see what was going on and right there in front of me sitting on the floor was my precious baby girl who was obviously scared. It didn't take long to figure out what had happened. She had climbed out of her crib and in the process fell. Thank God she didn't get hurt ! She has not (as far as we know)climbed out of said crib at home again since that fateful day a few months ago. <br />
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Take note that I said we haven't seen this at HOME again which of course means that she is very comfortable attempting this feat elsewhere. Last weekend, we were at my parents' house for the weekend. When we arrived on Friday evening, our toddler was asleep. We carefully carried her to the crib and put her in. She slept for awhile without issue. Suddenly, we heard loud crying which sounded as though she had woken up and was deciding to go to sleep again. At least that's what we thought at first. My husband went to investigate. It didn't take him too long to figure out that our little spiderwoman had escaped the confines of her crib. He found her sitting at the top of the stairs sobbing and for a few minutes, she was inconsolable. It had been decided, there was no way that this child was going to sleep in that crib, that night. We knew that if we put her back in the crib, she would perform her trick for us again. We decided that the only way she was going to sleep was to sleep with us (not a regular practice in our household at all). I am happy to report after she settled in to bed, she finally fell asleep. Being the brave soul that I am, I moved her back to the crib once she was asleep so we could actually sleep without fear of rolling over on her. <br />
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The next day, my Mom and I decided to investigate the crib escape further and found out that my precious baby girl had used the aid of a pillow and a slightly tilted mattress to make her plan a reality. I have to say that I am very proud of my child for using her problem solving skills in such a creative way. That's the teacher in me. Maybe we have a child on our hands that will be a great Engineer or Scientist one day? Who knows... The point of this whole story is that at this particular moment in time, it hit us like a ton of bricks that our daughter would indeed need to make the HUGE transition to a toddler bed much sooner than we anticipated.<br />
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After reading our parenting books, talking to other parents and doing some on-line detective work, we decided that the best place to start would be to shop for a bed with toddler in tow. So, the next day we went bed shopping and bought her a white toddler bed to match the other furniture in her room. Taking my cues from many parenting experts, I decided that our daughter should pick out her new comforter set. She picked out what she wanted and we proceeded to set the bed up right next to the crib. She loves her bed ON HER TERMS which means that she will only stay in the bed if we are present in her room and IF she has her 4 baby dolls, Elmo, 3 teddy bears, several books, a blanket and last but not least, a full sized pillow. She is a very strong willed child<br />
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We have started to try to put her in her toddler bed just for naps. She's great about staying in it for about 5 minutes then we will hear things drop on the floor,some screaming and SUDDENLY without warning, SILENCE. When we have checked the baby monitor to see if she has actually made it to bed, she usually hasn't. We usually try to quietly creep up the stairs (in case she actually is asleep) and open her bedroom door. Much to our relief, she is usually asleep on the carpet by the door. We decided long ago that we should just leave her where she is because we KNOW that she will wake up as soon as we even try to move her the slightest bit. <br />
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There is a part of me that is very sad about this transition because it means that our baby isn't such a baby anymore. We are all growing together and it is the best feeling in the world. We are so blessed to have such an incredible child in our lives and couldn't imagine our life any other way than it is right now-- transitions and all.Jason and Cherylhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017087401152240300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3594895019141426894.post-28186443307847342732010-09-19T04:44:00.000-07:002010-09-20T09:32:19.537-07:00Toddler 101It's been awhile since I have taken any college level classes but I am definitely enrolled in a course entitled "Toddler 101" right now. The patience that this course requires is sometimes very challenging. No one tells you that you must also have boundless energy and a very imaginative mind. Just as you were getting comfortable with being a parent and the routine that works for everyone, toddler hood emerges. You begin to question who this little being in front of you really is and why they behave the way that they do. <br />
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As I was looking at some parenting blogs, I realized that there are definitely other students in this class that share my views of what it is like to be the parent of a toddler. My favorite post comes from a blog entitled "Suburban Snapshots", Since I like this post so much, I would like to share it with all of you. Here it is: <br />
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Why Having A Toddler Is Like Going To A Frat Party<br />
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*That one frat party I've ever been to, having gone to a Very Serious Arts College.<br />
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10. There are half-full, brightly-colored plastic cups on the floor in every room. Three are in the bathtub.<br />
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9. There's always that one girl, bawling her eyes out in a corner.<br />
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8. It's best not to assume that the person closest to you has any control over their digestive function.<br />
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7. You sneak off to the bathroom knowing that as soon as you sit down, someone's going to start banging on the door.<br />
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6. Probably 80% of the stains on the furniture contain DNA.<br />
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5. You've got someone in your face at 3 a.m. looking for a drink.<br />
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4. There's definitely going to be a fight.<br />
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3. You're not sure whether anything you're doing is right, you just hope it won't get you arrested.<br />
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2. There are crumpled-up underpants everywhere.<br />
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1. You wake up wondering exactly how and when the person in bed with you got there.<br />
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I am not exactly sure what I would add to the list but will definitely give it some serious thought. This is one course that I refuse to fail !<strike></strike>Jason and Cherylhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017087401152240300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3594895019141426894.post-1074391429143205262010-07-08T06:03:00.000-07:002010-07-08T06:06:22.013-07:00Adoption Profiles Make Their Way to Social Networking??I am an avid Facebook user--- I freely admit it. I guess being at home gives me less time to socialize, so FB helps me connect with people that I otherwise wouldn't get a chance to. <br />
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I wasn't always a Facebook fan. It all started when my cousin convinced me that this was the way for our family to communicate on a more frequent basis. At first, I was not sure that I wanted to delve into the world of status updates, applications and photo albums. But as time passed, I realized that many of my family members, friends, co-workers and former classmates had taken the plunge. So, I dove right in. <br />
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At the time that I entered the Facebook world. we were nearing the end of our adoption journey (unbeknownst to me). If we hadn't been, I may have considered creating a FB page for our profile. It would have been a great way to get the word out that we were indeed ready to be parents. If you are at the beginning of your journey or right in what you consider the middle, you know that getting your profile into the hands of as many birth mothers as possible increases your chances to parent. When we were going through our journey , we relied heavily on our agency and their website to send out our profile to birth mothers as often as interest was expressed. We also relied on our family and friends to help us get the word out. These weren't the only ways we got the word out but you get the idea.<br />
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It would be interesting to see if those that post profiles on Facebook get more birthmother response to their profiles than the traditional ways that others post (i.e. website, blog, e-mail, posting in public places, knowing a friend that knows someone that is considering adoption, etc.). For some reason, I tend to think that these methods would be somewhat comparable at this point but I definitely won't rule out the possibility of Facebook taking the place of many of these methods at some point. <br />
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So, at this point, I would like to share with you one of the Adoption Profiles that I have come across on Facebook. It definitely grabs your attention and tugs at your heart strings. Michelle (the prospective adoptive parent) says that the reason she made a page recently was because "It worked for another couple". I hope that it works for Michelle and Matt too. I do not know Michelle and Matt but sincen I have been through the journey and know how agonizing the wait can be, I am passing along Michelle and Matt's information. The FB Page's title is: Help Michelle and Matt Adopt A Child and their website is: <br />
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http://alovingfamily.info/<br />
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Enjoy !Jason and Cherylhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017087401152240300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3594895019141426894.post-45735529483557593942010-06-16T23:23:00.000-07:002010-06-16T23:23:43.464-07:00Adoption Confusion...As most of you know, my husband and I are involved in an open adoption with our daughter's birth mother which for us means that we send cards and letters with pictures three times a year and also have visits with the birth family 3X a year as well. <br />
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This past Saturday was supposed to be our first visit of 2010. We had communicated with the birth mother about the time and place and everything seemed like it would go as smoothly as it has for the past two years. The one caveat to this visit, however, was that it was going to be just the birth mother, our daughter's half brother, myself, my husband and our daughter. This probably doesn't seem unusual to most of you reading this. However, for us it was as all of our visits thus far have included the birth Grandmother and at times the birth Aunt even though our agreement does not involve having them there.<br />
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Needless to say, we showed up on Saturday at the appropriate time and place with a hungry toddler in tow. We waited for a half an hour for the birth mother to show up and she didn't. This has never happened before...we were in complete disbelief that this woman did not show up after not seeing our daughter for almost 7 months. I can't even begin to describe how disappointed we were that this happened. The disappointment wasn't for us but for her birth mother and our daughter as they have never really had the chance to get to know each other. We also thought about the long term effects of this missed visit and what would happen if it occurred the next time we scheduled a meeting. <br />
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As we talking to our respective families about the situation, an interesting topic was presented to us. That topic was "Adoption Confusion". Adoption Confusion can be defined as : contact with first families that could possibly make adopted children question who the ‘real’ parental authority is. It was suggested to us that maybe it was for the best that the birth mother didn't show to the visit because it might be confusing for our child to have that contact,I know that many of our relatives are confused about our relationship with the birth family and selfishly would like us to have these visits be as limited as possible. These feelings are completely understandable and valid as our daughter has become such a huge part of both of our families. <br />
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To be completely honest, I have never really given adoption confusion much thought. I guess we have always assumed that our daughter wouldn't have this issue because we would always be open and honest with her about her family of origin. We also figured that since she will spend the majority of her time with us, there would be no question as to who had the 'real' parental authority. <br />
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However, I can completely understand how a child could be confused by all of the extra branches on their family tree. Family trees are confusing enough when you just have one family let alone two or three. From everything that I have read, there are very mixed feelings about this myth in the adoption community. Some people say that it is definitely true , others not so much. I think the most important thing to remember about "adoption confusion" is how much more accepting kids are compared to adults. If you don’t give kids any information they will have nothing to go on. Lack of information breeds confusion in most people. We know that our child will eventually have questions but we are working hard to ensure that there isn't any confusion. Our hope is that she will show signs of acceptance, understanding, curiosity and, of course, love to her birth family throughout her lifetime. <br />
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I'd love to hear others thoughts about this topic. Until we meet again, shalom to you !Jason and Cherylhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017087401152240300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3594895019141426894.post-82858336390692751372010-05-25T13:31:00.000-07:002010-05-26T03:25:04.544-07:00Finally..... A Celeb Adoption happens like it does for the rest of us...Yesterday as I was waiting for my dentist appointment, I happened to notice the cover of <i>"People"</i> magazine. On the cover was a beaming Sandra Bullock and her adorable son, Louie. Intrigued by Sandra's adoption journey and how she managed to keep the adoption a secret for so long, I settled into a comfortable chair and began to read. <br />
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The first item that struck a chord with me was the time of Sandra's wait. Unlike some of Sandra's celebrity counterparts, she did not use her celebrity to lessen the time the process takes. Sandra said that she wanted to go through the process just like anyone else would. Bravo! Finally, a celeb who knows that the right child will find you at the right time and doesn't rush this important process.<br />
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I was also intrigued by how Sandra and her now estranged husband kept the adoption a secret. I don't know if any of you have ever had to keep a secret of that magnitude before but I can assure you that it is not easy. Thank God for all of their family and friends who respected their wishes and kept their joyful secret. I'm sure having some privacy to bond and adjust to this new family member was much appreciated :) .<br />
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I can relate to having privacy and time to bond with your new child very well. When we adopted our daughter and brought her home, we were told by our agency and social worker to give ourselves plenty of time to bond with our baby before introducing her to any friends or family members. As hard as we tried to follow this rule (and we did for a little while), we could not keep the grandparents away once they found out about our new addition, nor could we keep good friends who had been with us throughout our journey away either. <br />
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Another interesting part of this interview was the parallel between Sandra's Oscar winning role as an adoptive parent in <i>The Blind Side</i>and her real life role as an Adoptive Mom. Apparently, Sandra received the call about "Louie" while she was filming 'The Blind Side' and never dreamed that her son would come into her life at the time that he did. I think that's the way it is with most of us who have adopted. When we receive the call, we are excited and in disbelief that the wait is finally coming to an end. It is my belief that none of this supposed "ironic" timing is ironic at all....it just means that divine intervention has selected a child that is an unique fit for the adoptive family. <br />
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I admire Sandra's resolve to finalize this adoption as a single parent. I can't imagine what it would be like to parent on your own ! Louie is one loved and lucky child to be able to call Sandra "Mom". Congratulations to Sandra and Louie and to anyone out there in the blogging world that may be adopting. May your parenthood journey be a wonderful adventure filled with love and happiness !Jason and Cherylhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017087401152240300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3594895019141426894.post-35926309801591794262010-04-11T11:02:00.000-07:002010-04-11T11:04:34.289-07:00From Russia Wirh Love ?Why would anyone would adopt a child and then send the child back on a plane ALONE to the country they originated from? I fail to understand how why this happens. Unfortunately, this is exactly what has happened with a 5 year old Russian child who was adopted by a family in the United States this past week. <br />
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This isn't the first time that I have heard this type of story. I remember seeing a similar case about a year ago on "Dateline" where a woman and her husband sent their daughter back to the agency that they adopted her from because she had severe behavior and psychological issues that impacted not only her but the entire family. The child was violent and threatened to hurt the couple (if I remember correctly...sometimes Mommy brain sets in and I can't remember things like this). <br />
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I won't pretend to understand the decision that these couples have made because I clearly don't. We waited for our daughter for almost 4 years. Were there times that we wanted to give up and not pursue adoption anymore? Sure there were but the difference between that feeling before adopting and after adoption are two totally different discussions. Obviously, you know what our choice was and we wouldn't change it for the world. <br />
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Frankly, I can't understand how you could ever send a child back when you've devoted so much of your energy,emotions, time and money to adopt in the first place. Don't most people adopt because they want to raise a child? Did these people think that being an adoptive parent would somehow be "easier" than being any other type of parent? What does this say about the world we live in? Is this sending the message that when adoptive parenting becomes "too difficult", you can always send a child back to their country of origin without any consequences? Let's hope not ! <br />
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Here's the link to the news article about the Russian adoption gone wrong:<br />
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http://abcnews.go.com/WNT/video/adopted-child-back-russia-10336704Jason and Cherylhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017087401152240300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3594895019141426894.post-89609383872705616242010-03-03T17:28:00.001-08:002010-03-03T17:29:42.450-08:00An interesting article about PADSTo learn more about Post Adoption Depression Syndrome, click on the link below: <br />
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<a href="http://www.adoptionissues.org/post-adoption-depression.html">option-depression.html</a>Jason and Cherylhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017087401152240300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3594895019141426894.post-91485786907460065612010-03-03T10:03:00.000-08:002010-03-09T08:26:04.759-08:00We've adopted ...now what?Our friends have recently found out that they will finally meet their little girl in China this Spring. We are beyond thrilled for them. Even though this is a joyous time for them (and their friends and family), it also brings me to ask: "Now that we've adopted.... what do we do next?<br />
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I really feel that this should be a question that adoption agency's should be prepared to answer for their "alumni" families but in my experience they are not. How do you handle the first visit with a birth family? What should you say or not say? When will everything be finalized? How do you file your income taxes and claim your child without a social security number?, etc. The list could go on and on...it doesn't matter if you were given an orientation and a packet of articles to read before you adopted. If you didn't read it then, you certainly aren't going to have time to read it once your baby is home ! <br />
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After being told for almost 4 years to be "cautiously" optimistic about the entire process, I certainly did not feel that way during the wait nor did I feel that way when we finally brought our daughter home. I was everything but "optimistic".. there were too many unanswered questions and unknowns for me. I definitely felt "joy" but also felt a nagging sense of anxiety and depression which resulted in a loss of appetite, crying jags and major sleep deprivation. I don't know what I expected but my vision was definitely different from the reality of having a premature infant who had been in the NICU for 2 months living with us. <br />
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The truth is that no one can prepare you for the change that your life will undergo when you become a parent. We were told to get a good night's sleep the night before we brought our daughter home because it would be the last night we would probably sleep for the next 18 years ! What is so unique about the adoption experience is that one day you're not a parent and the next day you are an "insta-parent". This 'insta-parent" needs to know many of the same things that a biological parent does except there are more mounds of paperwork to deal with, there are birth family visits to coordinate, and there is also the constant wondering if you will ever bond with that little baby that you hold in your arms.If you also add on top of this list , the question of whether or not your child will have a permanent disability,your stress level has now gone from 0 to 100 in a short matter of time. <br />
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So this brings me to a topic that is not discussed very often (if at all) with prospective adoptive parents. That topic is Post Adoption Depression. Just as those that can produce a biological child, adoptive Moms and some Dads also can suffer from a form of Post Partum Depression named Post-Adoption Depression Syndrome of PADS. Although a lot it unknown about what the exact cause of this syndrome is, many believe that it is linked to a drop in estrogen after a child who is being placed for adoption comes home. This drop in estrogen can cause some of the symptoms that I mentioned above. If this affects you, it is not something that should be taken lightly. PADS can make you feel like there is no way that you could possibly be a "good" parent to your child. Fortunately, help is available in the form of a doctor, social worker or therapist. It is also always therapeutic (in my opinion) to talk to those that have experienced PADS first hand as well. As I have discovered throughout this journey, those that have experienced what you have make you feel less alone. <br />
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Hopefully, we will all become more educated on the post-adoption process as it warrants as much if not more attention than the adoption process itself. <br />
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Go out and have a great day !Jason and Cherylhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017087401152240300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3594895019141426894.post-39313852036507499982010-02-21T13:52:00.000-08:002010-02-21T13:52:18.860-08:00All the t' s are FINALLY crossed and the i's are dotted !This weekend has been one of joyous celebration in our house as our daughter's adoption was finalized on Friday. It was very exciting to appear before the judge and see that all of the documents signed and that our daughter FINALLY legally has the name that we have given her. Not that we needed a piece of paper to tell us that our daughter is our child....we knew that the moment our eyes met hers. It's just nice to have all of the t's crossed and the i's dotted ! <br />
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To say that this process has been long would be an understatement as our daughter came to live with us 16 months ago. Due to some circumstances that have been beyond our control and were in control of our beloved State of New York, the proceedings were delayed much past the originally promised date of February 2009. It's very difficult to not be in control of such an important event in your child's life but as always, Jason and I continued to have faith that one day we would see the end of this ordeal. God has once again provided us with all that we have needed in this situation to see it through and we are very grateful that it is done !<br />
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We still feel like this is a dream in some ways as we have waited so long for it to happen but one look into our precious baby girl's eyes tells us that this is very REAL and we wouldn't change a minute of the past 18 months if we tried. <br />
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Hope that all of you are doing well. Until we meet again...Keep The Faith !Jason and Cherylhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017087401152240300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3594895019141426894.post-75943134558590088722010-01-29T03:17:00.000-08:002010-01-29T03:37:04.812-08:00The Balance Between Work and Motherhood...As promised, I want to talk about balancing work with having a very active toddler after being home for over a year. My re-entry into the "working world" happened completely by surprise in November. The job that I am doing as an in-school tutor was only supposed to last until January 10th but as luck would have it, it has extended to the end of February. I have to admit that I DO love having a place to go each day where I can use my talents and skills as a Teacher in a school setting. <br /><br />However, I have found that leaving our daughter in a daycare setting has been my most challenging job of all. Even though I know that this is an important step in her social/emotional development, I have "Mommy" guilt for leaving her anywhere but at home or in my arms. <br /><br />I can't tell you that this has been an easy process because it hasn't. I've come to realize that I now have two very important jobs that I am trying to balance. Not that I didn't realize this before but when reality strikes, it really hits home. <br /><br />What I have learned so far is that for ME working makes me a better Mom. I wish I was the type of woman who could be completely fulfilled all day with staying home but I am not. My brain needs to be stimulated in other ways and there is nothing wrong with that. It's just how I am and it's okay. <br /><br />I ran across this awesome resume that I want to share with all of you. It really puts the job of "Mom" into perspective. Wouldn't that be awesome to have two resumes to submit every time that you applied for a new job? I hope that you enjoy this ! <br /><br /><br />Motherhood: My Other Resume<br />January 20, 2010<br />by Amber Johnson of "The Life and Times of Stella"<br />Share<br />4 Comments<br /><br />I’ve jumped back into the freelance writing life in an effort to make a bit of money while I stay home with Stella Bella. This, of course, necessitated the updating of my resume.<br /><br />It got me thinking. Some of my most impressive achievements and abilities will never grace the pages of this supposedly all-important document. And it seems like a shame. I am referring, of course, to motherhood–all that it requires. And with that, I present my other resume…<br /><br />EXPERIENCE<br /><br />Mother, 8/17/08–present (lifetime commitment)<br /><br /> * Collaborate with Stella, Eleanor’s father (my husband), to ensure that she grows and thrives; oversee everything from basic maintenance, such as diaper changes and feeding, to high-level development including babbling, drooling, sitting up, laughing, and rolling/tummy time, with plans to teach her how to be kind, walk, use the toilet and drive<br /> * Provide attention, protection, guidance and full range of entertainment services including peek-a-boo, tickling, general zaniness and impromptu songs, stories and farting noises<br /> * Willingly put my daughter’s needs before my own while still taking care of self and providing excellent example of how to live life to the fullest<br /> * Manage public relations; handle photography and mailing of seasonal cards and wellness updates; manage upkeep of Flickr account with near-daily shots of Stella to prevent extended family from suffering cuteness withdrawal<br /> * Love that girl with all my heart, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 52 weeks a year–even when her yelling reaches peak annoy-ability levels<br /><br />Giver of Life, 8/15/08–8/17/08<br /><br /> * Gave birth to baby girl weighing 7 pounds and 7 ounces; filled with pure joy upon her arrival<br /> * Kicked ass throughout 32-hour un-medicated labor during which baby’s head was transverse (sideways)<br /> * Nearly broke husband’s hands with vice-like grip; will try harder next time<br /><br />Grower of Human Being, 11/08–8/09<br /><br /> * Provided egg for successful fertilization; worried endlessly about fetus from moment of conception<br /> * Attended prenatal yoga, birthing and parenting classes despite overwhelming exhaustion and overwhelmed bladder<br /> * Ate enough cheese to feed all of Wisconsin for three years; consumed record amounts of grapefruit juice<br /> * Tolerated the shooting of sharp pains up my rear-end for several months; withstood debilitating hip pain and baby’s roundhouse kicks<br /> * Enjoyed pregnancy despite all of the above<br /><br />Warrior, 10/08–02/09<br /><br /> * Assembled and coordinated a top-tier team of Seattle doctors, as well as two lactation consultants, an occupational therapist, nutritionist, dietitian and cranial osteopath<br /> * Managed to maintain sanity when baby refused to eat; chugged olive oil and ate bacon in a valiant attempt to fatten starving, anxiety-ridden self and improve quality and caloric value of breast milk<br /> * Mastered use of Supplemental Nursing System while successfully limiting use of the “f-word” to 400 times per day; managed insertion and maintenance of god-forsaken nasogastric feeding tube and associated god-damned pump and evil face tape and crap-tastic peripherals; sacrificed small but previously perky boobs to hospital grade breast pump<br /> * Navigated labyrinth of hospital and health care challenges; slashed red tape and improved child’s outcome by 1000%; successfully argued case for the removal of nasogastric tube and executed successful tube weaning; produced a happier child and family as a result of round-the-clock efforts<br /> * Analyzed growth charts, lab results and intake levels; conducted in-depth, terrifying online research on daughter’s condition and treatment<br /><br />EDUCATION<br /><br />The Parental Institution of Barbara and Gregory Hescock<br /><br /> * Coursework in everything, with an emphasis on love, the value hard work, and a good sense of humor<br /> School of Hard Knocks<br /> * Classes included Terrible Mistakes, Bad Relationships 101, and The Awkwardness of Middle School<br /><br />Sink or Swim Academy<br /><br /> * Curriculum revolved around parenting without anything resembling adequate preparation<br /><br />SKILLS SUMMARY<br /><br />General: Expert-level nurturing, crisis and conflict management, hazardous waste handling and sanitation, budgeting, soothing, teaching life skills and morals, child safety, nursery decorating, baby-wearing, silly face and nonsensical sounds mastery<br /><br />Technical: Milk production, human creation, swaddling, rocking, one-handed diapering (experience with both formula and breast milk poop platforms), bottle maintenance, reflux abatement<br /><br />COMMUNITY SERVICE<br /><br /> * Contributed a new member to the human race<br /> * Responsible raising of a kind, compassionate, contributing citizen<br /> * Adept removal of screeching baby from public places, ensuring a peaceful community<br /> * Addition to the world of a love that grows by leaps and bounds each and every day<br /><br />Amber Johnson is a freelance writer, new mom, chronic worrier, and mac-and-cheese addict. Not necessarily in that order. She is working on a book about her experiences during her first year of motherhood, focused on her trials with breastfeeding, bottle feeding and even nasogastric tube feeding—and why, despite all the hoopla about how we should or should not feed our babies, we all should stop worrying so much. Really. Now all she needs is a publisher, and a glass of wine. Is that so much to ask?Jason and Cherylhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017087401152240300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3594895019141426894.post-18121261378120948532009-11-18T03:41:00.000-08:002009-11-24T00:48:31.314-08:00November Already ....So much has been happening around here that I haven't had time to update our blog ! Where should I begin? I guess I'll start with the NICU reunion. We did go and had a wonderful time. Several of Hailey's nurses were there and were floored with how much she has grown. It was so nice to see so many healthy, happy children and their families. How rewarding it must be for all of the medical professionals to see that all of their efforts paid off :) . <br /><br />We also spent the latter part of October preparing for Halloween. This was our first Halloween that we actually got to go trick-or-treating with our daughter. Our dog and child both dressed up for the occasion (ladybug and duck respectively) and got a chance to see the neighbors together. Our daughter loved it ! She came home with a sizable amount of candy-YUM ! Her favorites were the suckers.<br /><br />Since November has started,I have been very busy as tutoring for the school year has kicked in. I'm busy each and every day ( in addition to being a Mom) and I love it. I think I have finally found the balance between being a working and Stay-at-Home Mom. My job is flexible enough that I still have my afternoons (most days) free to spend with our daughter. <br /><br />Our daughter is growing so quickly. She is a full-blown toddler now which is hard to believe. She is very close to walking and is climbing on everything that she can find. We have been so blessed to have the ability to parent this child. <br /><br />We are getting ready for a Thanksgiving celebration with our Virginia family. It will be exciting to celebrate the holidays with our baby girl this year. At least she will understand more of what's happening this year :) . <br /><br />That's the quick update...when I have time I will write more about my adventures with balancing work and being a Mom. Happy Thanksgiving to all !Jason and Cherylhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017087401152240300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3594895019141426894.post-36797711343234466242009-10-15T08:56:00.000-07:002009-10-15T12:06:47.307-07:00A NICU reunion....We have just found out that the NICU (where our daughter spent the first two months of her life) is having a reunion ! We are so excited that we will finally be able to properly thank all of the nurses and doctors for the excellent care that they gave our daughter. The reunion is being held for all babies that were born in the hospital and were NICU patients between the years of 1999-2009. It will be interesting to see if any of the parents/babies that we met during our daughter's stay will be there or not. It will also be interesting to see how all of the more mature "preemies" look at nine or ten years old. Sometimes, this feels like a glimpse into our child's future and it is very exciting! <br /><br />We have not been back to visit since our daughter came home in October of 2008. When we left the NICU, our daughter weighed 5 pounds and 5 ounces and had an apnea monitor attached to her. There were so many emotions that we had leaving that ranged from sadness to sheer terror (how will we ever do this without nurses to help?) to utter joy. The doctors and the nurses became a second family to us. They taught us how to take care of our baby. No question we ever asked was dismissed as a "dumb" one. We learned more about the NICU in two months than we ever imagined we would. The nurses on staff were not only our guardian angels but a our daughter's as well ! <br /><br />The social worker, our adoption agency representative, the child specialist (who first told us about Early Intervention Services...praise be to God) and the case manager for the NICU all played a special role in helping our family deal with what our life may or may not be like as new parents to a "preemie" with some delays. We honestly do not know what we would have done without these fantastic people. I don't even want to think about what it would have been like to coordinate all of our baby's special care on our own ! <br /><br />When we return from the reunion, I am sure that we will have a story or two to share. We hope that you check our blog regularly for the latest updates. <br /><br />We wish you peace and joy !Jason and Cherylhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017087401152240300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3594895019141426894.post-62974038681774763442009-09-21T10:03:00.000-07:002009-09-21T10:07:07.694-07:00To work or to be a SAHM? That is the question...So as I was looking at "The Stay-At-Home Mom's Survival Guide" website, I came across an article that caught my attention. I think the article says it all and more. Enjoy ! <br /><br />It’s okay to not always love being a Stay-at-Home mom<br /><br />Surely, for some women, being a stay-at-home mother is an entirely magnificent, totally blissful, always fulfilling, happily-ever-after dream come true.<br /><br />I’m not one of those women—and that’s okay.<br /><br />I know I’m not alone in having mixed feelings about having left the traditional, paid workforce to be a 24/7 at-home parent to my children. From time to time, most all women doing the job (and stay-at-home motherhood is a job) struggle with the challenges of this kind of in-the-trenches motherhood.<br /><br />Round-the-clock parenting often has as many downs as ups. The constant demands that come from being the sole adult charged with the care of little minds and bodies (and the surroundings in which they exist) involves a daily routine that many stay-at-home moms need both skill and fortitude to survive. As with any job, we have moments of feeling overwhelmed, overworked, unappreciated, and under-compensated. And all that’s before the 9 am start of the traditional workday.<br /><br />For a woman who, before motherhood, had a job she enjoyed, experienced career success, lived independently, and had an active social life, setting all that aside for stay-at-home motherhood can be a mixed blessing. It’s wonderful for a mother to be able to devote herself to the full-time care of her family—without the distractions, stresses, and demands of an office or workplace. It’s wonderful for a child to be raised under the constant care of a parent instead of a nanny, sitter, au pair, daycare staff, or afterschool program—or any of the other childcare solutions that parents need to piece together in order to earn an income. In a nation where two incomes are often essential to a family’s well-being, and where single parents need a job in order to pay and keep up with the bills, stay-at-home mothers are often told how lucky they are “not to work.”<br /><br />I know I’m lucky that my family has been able to live securely for several years with only one steady income, but being a stay-at-home mother is nothing but work! The surprise for many women who spend their days caring for children without end is that they work as many, if not more, hours than they did at a “real” job. The initial relief from the pressures of paid employment are often replaced by the demands of our stay-at-home reality.<br /><br />But putting aside professional skills and independence to fill sippy cups and push swings can be tough on a woman’s sense of self. And although a stay-at-home mother is never without something to do, the day can drag, and entire weeks can feel empty of adult company or personal fulfillment. Then, in the rare instance you get to mingle among grown-ups without kids clinging to you, someone asks you what you do, and you struggle between saying, “I’m a stay-at-home mom . . .” or “Well, I used to be . . .” or some tortured combination thereof. It can make you want to cry.<br /><br />My advice. Don’t sugarcoat, sentimentalize, or reduce to slapstick the realities of stay-at-home motherhood.<br /><br />For those of us who have good days and bad, who sometimes absolutely adore and appreciate being home with our kids and sometimes can’t stand it, parenting books and magazine articles in which the author and interviewees gush about their love of being a mom and surrendering to motherhood just don’t jibe with all the realities. Ditto those who joke about the sleepless nights and messy minivans and days without showering—but, alas, each quip or complaint is couched by an “I wouldn’t change it for the world” sentiment. For the woman whose every mothering moment isn’t a greeting card moment, such rosy pictures can actually be demoralizing: “I don’t like playing peek-a-boo and going to the park every day. I don’t like being at the beck and call of someone else’s moods and needs. Sometimes I don’t want to be around my kids. I must be a terrible mom.”<br /><br />You’re not a terrible mom. You’re a typical mom.<br /><br />So hang in there! Even though you may be alone in your house right now with [fill in the applicable number] child(ren) crying, hanging on you, and demanding your immediate attention, you are not alone. Even though you may feel you’re flying a solo mission, you aren’t, especially when it comes to your conflicted feelings:<br /><br /> 10 am: “I’m so happy I’m home!”<br /> 11 am: “What was I thinking?<br /> Noon: “Being a stay-at-home mother is [fill in an adjective here]!”<br /><br />It’s okay to not always love being a stay-at-home mom. Women often fear that admitting as much is tantamount to saying to the world and themselves that we regret not being part of the paid workforce.<br /><br />The reality is, sometimes, some of us do regret leaving careers, or wish for something more. That’s normal. That’s healthy. It doesn’t mean we don’t love our children. It doesn’t mean we’d make a different choice if we had a do-over. It definitely doesn’t mean we’re bad mothers, or that we’re not doing a good job. Some days at work are wonderful. Some days are nightmares. Few people love their job every minute of the day. The same goes for the job of being a stay-at-home mom.Jason and Cherylhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017087401152240300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3594895019141426894.post-74430003514246159922009-08-18T10:12:00.000-07:002009-08-18T11:22:21.769-07:00In the blink of an eye....In what seems like a blink of an eye, our precious child turned one year on the 10th of August. On her birthday, I fought back tears of joy as I looked at the incredible and miraculous child that not only can crawl but can stand before me.<br /><br />Why is she so incredible and a miracle you ask? Our answer would be simply because the odds at her birth were not in her favor. She had a Grade IV brain bleed 4 days after she was born. This bleed was serious and affected her quality of life. The first two months of her life were spent hooked up to monitors of all sorts, having oxygen supplied, having a blood transfusion and being on a ventilator with 24 hour a day nursing care. She was so tiny (3 pounds and 11 ounces). You could hold her in one hand and as her grandparents have said many times "she was as light as a feather". Despite all of these issues, she was a beautiful newborn. <br /><br />The instant we met her, we fell in love with her. There was no turning back ,for this child was our gift from God. I remember not even being able to touch her the 1st time I saw her. I was scared I would hurt her but God gave Jason the strength that I didn't have and he asked the nurse how he could best touch her without putting her in pain. What was amazing was how she responded to his touch instantly and without hesitation. From that moment, we knew that she was definitely meant to be our child. The fact that another woman gave birth to her made no difference to us because she had grown in our hearts for exactly 3 years and 8 months. <br /><br />I'm not going to say that this last year has been easy because it hasn't. We have had to guard our baby against illness, have her evaluated by specialists, have enrolled her in Physical Therapy and have probably filed more paper than most people will ever see in their lifetimes. On top of all this, we had to adjust to being parents after 12 years of life with just the two of us and our precious pup. All of this was not easy, but in hindsight, we can see how rewarding it has been. I don't regret being home with our daughter for the 1st year of her life at all. I have seen her grow from a teeny, tiny baby to a determined and brilliant crawler/toddler. It has been an exciting year and we can't wait to see what her 2nd year of life will bring.Many people say that she has thrived because of the excellent care that we've given her. That may be part of why but I beg to differ. I think that God gave her a fighting spirit that has enabled her to overcome the odds. <br /><br />How would I describe our child to someone who doesn't know and love her like we do? I guess I would say that she is just like her Mommy and Daddy. She is stubborn, caring, determined, has the best smile and laugh and is a lot of fun ! Oddly enough, she even resembles us. Some days I look at her and I completely see my husband and other days I see a mini-me. She has the biggest, bluest eyes that I have ever seen ! We couldn't have made a better child for us if we could have done it ourselves. <br /><br />As we prepare for another meeting with our daughter's birth family, the realization that this child is truly ours has hit home with even more intensity than before. Maybe it's because she is a year old and we feel that she may be more aware that these "strangers" are a part of her family too? I'm not really sure why the intensity is there but it is. We have told our daughter her story many times. At this point,however, she has no understanding of what it means to be "adopted". It is our hope that we have begun to sow the seeds of her personal garden of life. We know that the real challenges of our open adoption arrangement are yet to come.Jason and Cherylhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017087401152240300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3594895019141426894.post-60202798326061488552009-07-03T05:33:00.000-07:002009-07-06T08:49:22.143-07:00Of outlet covers and baby gates...Well, let me catch you up with what's been happening around here. Our precious daughter is now on the verge of crawling and walking ! Despite how exciting this is, it is also a bit scary for us. You see, having been married 13 years without any children (except a fur baby), we are completely clueless about baby proofing our home. <br /><br />As it stands right now, we have a play yard to confine our precious bundle and have covered outlets, shortened cords,locked cabinets, disassembled the DVD bookcase and moved anything that could possibly tumble when pulled by a curious 10 (almost 11 ) month old. Yet, we are still not completely "proofed". How can this be? <br /><br />I guess it's because we do not truly have an idea of exactly what little Miss will get into while she is venturing across the floor. We know that she is attracted to the fireplace. So, that means a barrier will go up around it. We also have a huge entryway to our Great Room that we will need to gate as well. What we are trying to figure out is whether or not she will attempt to touch things that we haven't thought of yet. My guess is: more than likely. <br /><br />We are thrilled that she is so curious about the world around her. I just hope we survive this stage of her development ! Wish us luck :-). <br /><br />Until we meet again....hugs !Jason and Cherylhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017087401152240300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3594895019141426894.post-31726556970823506372009-05-31T07:29:00.000-07:002009-05-31T07:56:16.499-07:00Walking the tight rope....Lately, I have the great desire to be working outside of the home again. I miss my career as a Teacher but know if I went back to work full-time I would miss my precious daughter even more. So, I think what I want to do is find a part-time job in the Fall. This would enable me to be here for her firsts--crawling, walking, talking and whatever else comes our way. So, this is where the dilemma comes in.... how do I balance being on the tight rope? How can I be a great part-time working Mom and be a great Mom to my baby too? <br /><br />I've never had to balance this much responsibility before and don't have a clue what I will do for my baby's care while I am at work. We have a wonderful babysitter right now that I would love to have her here while I work. The problem is that I am not sure that she will be able to do this because she will more than likely have a full load of classes in the Fall. If she can't, I am considering putting the kiddo in a day care program at our church. I am not thrilled at the prospect of putting my precious bundle in a daycare center. Maybe it's because I worked in one and know that more than likely, my child would spend most of her time being sick??? All of this is, of course, pure speculation at this point in time. I may end up being home for another year if some income we are hoping to have coming in actually does. <br /><br />I admit that there is a part of me that feels guilty that I have the desire to be working again after we have waited for this beautiful child for so long. There's also this part of me that also knows that I need the brain stimulation that work provides me with. I love teaching but am not sure what type of teaching job would have the type of schedule that I want/need right now. Tutoring would be something I would still love to do. I just wish I could do more of it during the earlier part of the day! What's most important to me, is the flexibility to still have quality time with our daughter. So, again I ask: How do I do this without driving myself crazy?<br /><br />Even though being a parent is the most amazing and rewarding experience I have ever had, I do want to have another identity separate from "Mom". When we found out we were going to be parents, we were elated beyond belief (and still are) but I also found that I became depressed because I felt like I was losing a part of myself. I have <span style="font-weight:bold;">ALWAYS</span> worked outside of our home. It's what I have been accustomed to. What's a gal with so much energy to do? <br /><br />I'd love to hear what others think about this dilemma. Meanwhile, I will continue to perform my current day job with pride. It is one of the most important and difficult jobs that I will ever have !Jason and Cherylhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017087401152240300noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3594895019141426894.post-71551674692680426692009-05-01T12:31:00.000-07:002009-05-05T13:32:37.390-07:00Of May and Mother's Day/All Wonen's Day.You may wonder why I gave this post the above title. It's not just because I have a birthday and anniversary in May. This year it is primarily because I will finally be able to celebrate Mother's Day without tears in my eyes, without avoiding places with children and without staying away from anything that remotely resembles anything having to do with celebrating this "members" only holiday. <br /><br />The past 8 years or so I have loathed Mother's Day. Before that time frame, I was fine with celebrating it with my own Mother, Grandmother and Sister-In-Law. Each time that we went to church on Mother's Day, the pastor would have all of the Mother's and Grandmother's stand to be recognized with a flower. With every woman that stood, I become increasingly emotional and angry. I wasn't angry at those who had children, I was angry that we didn't. I would ask myself over and over again. Why was it that we were not blessed with a child who would call me "Mom"? <br /><br />I have many friends who will be asking this same question again this year. I can honestly say that any type of "parenting" holidays were the worst ones for us as we were going through our adoption journey. They are reminders of how long it's been since you became active, how long it might be before you are a parent and also of loss. It's hard to describe to someone that hasn't been there what this experience is like. I can only compare it to being in a vacuum while the rest of the world continues on as it normally would. <br /><br />My husband's Aunt had a great idea many years ago. She was aggravated by the flower ceremony at her church and decided to talk with the pastor about the practice. Her idea was brilliant and pure genius. That idea was to celebrate "All Women's Day". . Although this day falls on the same day as Mother's Day, it is not just about the Moms and Grandmothers. I love this concept--just because it is Mother's Day, it does not mean that "All Women" shouldn't be celebrated. All of us are "Mothers" (whether we have children or not). The Teacher is a "Mom" to many children each and every day, the Nurse is a Mother to all of their patients and so on and so forth. I plan on continuing this celebration this year as I have done for the past 8--honoring all the important women in my life. I hope that you do the same :-) .Jason and Cherylhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017087401152240300noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3594895019141426894.post-48127901230402188522009-04-09T05:55:00.000-07:002009-04-09T12:30:10.928-07:00More pearls of wisdom from the web...The title of the article below immediately caught my attention. As I read, I thought about how true much of what the author had to say was. Today's world is different than the one I grew up in. I knew my neighbors and watched most of their kids at least once a week. I learned that it was (and now have confirmed) an awesome responsibility to care for children. I also worked in a daycare setting for a few years and I still don't feel like I was prepared for parenting our daughter! <br /><br />I had high hopes that the pediatrician could address my concerns about nutrition, sleep and development. Alas, I have been very disappointed in her approach to all of the above. Even though she is a trained professional, I feel as though she sometimes knows less than my husband and I do about parenting (and she has several children). I know that our daughter will develop at her own pace and is slightly delayed due to her early arrival into the world. I feel that it is unfair to compare her to a child that is the same age but born full-term, especially when it comes to her nutritional needs. During our last visit to the pediatrician, we were told that our toothless daughter could "handle" eating teething biscuits! How would that work? Last time I checked, neither Jason or I had the ability to chew for her! <br /><br />I am very aware that parenting is a "hands-on" learning process. There is no manual but there is a test each and every day whether you are prepared for it or not. I invite you to be my guest and read the article below. How much of this do you agree with? How much don't you agree with? I find it very interesting that this article was written by an anthropoligist for "LiveScience". She has finally given me the "pearls of wisdom" about parenting that I have been looking for since our daughter came home in October. <br /><br />History<br />Why We Fear Parenting<br /><br />By Meredith F. Small, LiveScience's Human Nature Columnist<br /><br />Meredith F. Small is an anthropologist at Cornell University and is also the author of "Our Babies, Ourselves; How Biology and Culture Shape the Way We Parent" and "The Culture of Our Discontent; Beyond the Medical Model of Mental Illness." Her Human Nature column appears each Friday on LiveScience. [Human Nature Column Archive]<br />Full Size<br />Previous Image Next Image<br />1 of 1<br /><br />Meredith F. Small.<br /> Meredith F. Small is an anthropologist at Cornell University and is also the author of "Our Babies, Ourselves; How Biology and Culture Shape the Way We Parent" and "The Culture of Our Discontent; Beyond the Medical Model of Mental Illness." Her Human Nature column appears each Friday on LiveScience. [Human Nature Column Archive]<br /><br />Several years go during a "well child visit," a pediatric nurse asked me a question about my then 18-month-old daughter:<br /><br />“How many words does she have?”<br /><br />“I have no idea,” I responded, baffled by the question.<br /><br />“We like them to have 15 words at this age,” she snipped, clearly disapproving of my failure to keep track of my daughter’s vocabulary.<br /><br />“You should talk to her in more complex sentences,” she advised, assuming I would take her advice and initiate some decent conversations about black holes or the meaning of life with my toddler.<br /><br />Instead, I burst out laughing.<br /><br />As an anthropologist who has studied childhood across the globe, I know that some kids take their own sweet time to talk and that all kids eventually catch up.<br /><br />I was also amused because the nurse had easily slipped into the role of expert in the arena of child behavior, and she expected me to listen and learn.<br /><br />And no wonder.<br /><br />Although the parent-child relationship has been working smoothly for millions of years, today’s parents are quivering masses of indecision and self-doubt. Why are we so afraid of parenting?<br /><br />Part of the self-doubt comes from a simple change in demographics.<br /><br />Since the turn of the century, the birth rate in the United States has been steadily falling and in the 1960s, with the introduction of the birth control pill, it dropped dramatically. Most families now have two children, many couples don’t want children at all, and neighborhoods are no longer teeming with kids.<br /><br />As a result, few grown-ups have had experience with little brothers or sisters. Teens used to learn about kids by babysitting, but these days adolescents are too busy with scheduled events or school work, or they want a job with better pay and less hassle. And so they grow up with no child care experience at all.<br /><br />Today's parents pigheadedly refuse to look for advice from people in the know — their own parents. No, no, we want to be “better” parents than the previous generation, so why ask them?<br /><br />And so we turn to “experts,” that is, parenting advice books and pediatricians.<br /><br />Those books are bestsellers written by doctors, nurses, child development researchers and parents. They all purport to know the “right” way to bring up children and they all exude confidence. But most of what comes between the covers is, well, folklore; these books are simply cultural documents that echo currently accepted ideas about bringing up children.<br /><br />What we get from pediatricians is also suspect.<br /><br />Parents go to the pediatrician begging for advice about sleep, feeding, toilet training and discipline, and they want the baby doctor to tell them how to bring up the baby. But a three-year pediatric residency is hospital-based and residents are trained to treat sick children, not normal kids who refuse to eat their peas. No pediatrician learns how to get a healthy baby to sleep, or what to do when a child cries, or what makes little kids smile.<br /><br />They don’t even learn how to diaper a baby.<br /><br />Where, then, can we turn when faced with the challenge of being a parent?<br /><br />We might simply look inward. If parents stay close to their kids, listen and pay attention, use common sense and stay flexible, chances are they’ll know what to do, even if they make a few mistakes along the way.<br /><br />Being a good parent isn’t that easy, but it’s also not that hard.<br /><br />As Dr. Spock wrote 60 years ago, “Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.”<br /><br />Meredith F. Small is an anthropologist at Cornell University. She is also the author of "Our Babies, Ourselves; How Biology and Culture Shape the Way We Parent" (link) and "The Culture of Our Discontent; Beyond the Medical Model of Mental Illness" (link).Jason and Cherylhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017087401152240300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3594895019141426894.post-80658975553251872002009-04-05T06:21:00.001-07:002009-04-05T09:01:43.097-07:00A day like no other....Originally published in October of 2008: <br /><br /><br />The title of my blog used to be "My Adventures in Adopotive Parenting" which was deceiving because it implied that only "adoptive parents" have new adventures when they begin to parent. As you and I both know, this isn't the case. However, as an an adoptive parent in an open adoption relationship, the challenges and adventures are slightly different than those faced by those that have biological children. How many biological parents have to wait 6-9 months before they can legally say what a child's legal name will be? How many biological parents have to have a home study done before they become parents and after as well?<br /><br />Our adventures in parenting began well before Friday but Friday was the official hospital release day for our daughter. I have to say that Friday was the most unique day in my life. Friday was the day that our lives changed forever because after 3 + years of waiting and praying we are finally parents to a beautiful baby girl !<br /><br />Although this is a very exciting a new adventure for us, it is also frightening too. There is no manual to tell us how to parent a child. We really thought about asking a nurse to come home with us! What is so scary is that the only guide that we have is our intuition. Our only other guide is our deep faith that we will do a great job raising this precious child who is a gift to us.<br /><br />Our daughter (still a very strange term to use!) was born a preemie and has been in the NICU for a few months. She is a beautiful little girl who we knew was meant to be our daughter from the first time we saw her tiny face covered with ventilator tubes, oxygen feeds and her chest with apnea monitor feeds. It's strange how our love for this child has grown in our hearts. I often marvel at how much in love with this child we are. We would do anything for her. I have found that my motherly instincts have kicked in and I feel even more protective of her, my husband and our dog.<br /><br />Before we became parents, we never dreamed that being sleep deprived would be so awesome ! After 12 years of marriage, a 7 year old dog with liver disease and various other life circumstances, we're still able to navigate the waters of "new parenthood". God truly is amazing. I truly believe that you reap what you sow.<br />Posted by New Mom at 5:55 PM 2 comments<br />Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)Jason and Cherylhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10017087401152240300noreply@blogger.com0