Why would anyone would adopt a child and then send the child back on a plane ALONE to the country they originated from? I fail to understand how why this happens. Unfortunately, this is exactly what has happened with a 5 year old Russian child who was adopted by a family in the United States this past week.
This isn't the first time that I have heard this type of story. I remember seeing a similar case about a year ago on "Dateline" where a woman and her husband sent their daughter back to the agency that they adopted her from because she had severe behavior and psychological issues that impacted not only her but the entire family. The child was violent and threatened to hurt the couple (if I remember correctly...sometimes Mommy brain sets in and I can't remember things like this).
I won't pretend to understand the decision that these couples have made because I clearly don't. We waited for our daughter for almost 4 years. Were there times that we wanted to give up and not pursue adoption anymore? Sure there were but the difference between that feeling before adopting and after adoption are two totally different discussions. Obviously, you know what our choice was and we wouldn't change it for the world.
Frankly, I can't understand how you could ever send a child back when you've devoted so much of your energy,emotions, time and money to adopt in the first place. Don't most people adopt because they want to raise a child? Did these people think that being an adoptive parent would somehow be "easier" than being any other type of parent? What does this say about the world we live in? Is this sending the message that when adoptive parenting becomes "too difficult", you can always send a child back to their country of origin without any consequences? Let's hope not !
Here's the link to the news article about the Russian adoption gone wrong:
http://abcnews.go.com/WNT/video/adopted-child-back-russia-10336704
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
An interesting article about PADS
To learn more about Post Adoption Depression Syndrome, click on the link below:
option-depression.html
option-depression.html
We've adopted ...now what?
Our friends have recently found out that they will finally meet their little girl in China this Spring. We are beyond thrilled for them. Even though this is a joyous time for them (and their friends and family), it also brings me to ask: "Now that we've adopted.... what do we do next?
I really feel that this should be a question that adoption agency's should be prepared to answer for their "alumni" families but in my experience they are not. How do you handle the first visit with a birth family? What should you say or not say? When will everything be finalized? How do you file your income taxes and claim your child without a social security number?, etc. The list could go on and on...it doesn't matter if you were given an orientation and a packet of articles to read before you adopted. If you didn't read it then, you certainly aren't going to have time to read it once your baby is home !
After being told for almost 4 years to be "cautiously" optimistic about the entire process, I certainly did not feel that way during the wait nor did I feel that way when we finally brought our daughter home. I was everything but "optimistic".. there were too many unanswered questions and unknowns for me. I definitely felt "joy" but also felt a nagging sense of anxiety and depression which resulted in a loss of appetite, crying jags and major sleep deprivation. I don't know what I expected but my vision was definitely different from the reality of having a premature infant who had been in the NICU for 2 months living with us.
The truth is that no one can prepare you for the change that your life will undergo when you become a parent. We were told to get a good night's sleep the night before we brought our daughter home because it would be the last night we would probably sleep for the next 18 years ! What is so unique about the adoption experience is that one day you're not a parent and the next day you are an "insta-parent". This 'insta-parent" needs to know many of the same things that a biological parent does except there are more mounds of paperwork to deal with, there are birth family visits to coordinate, and there is also the constant wondering if you will ever bond with that little baby that you hold in your arms.If you also add on top of this list , the question of whether or not your child will have a permanent disability,your stress level has now gone from 0 to 100 in a short matter of time.
So this brings me to a topic that is not discussed very often (if at all) with prospective adoptive parents. That topic is Post Adoption Depression. Just as those that can produce a biological child, adoptive Moms and some Dads also can suffer from a form of Post Partum Depression named Post-Adoption Depression Syndrome of PADS. Although a lot it unknown about what the exact cause of this syndrome is, many believe that it is linked to a drop in estrogen after a child who is being placed for adoption comes home. This drop in estrogen can cause some of the symptoms that I mentioned above. If this affects you, it is not something that should be taken lightly. PADS can make you feel like there is no way that you could possibly be a "good" parent to your child. Fortunately, help is available in the form of a doctor, social worker or therapist. It is also always therapeutic (in my opinion) to talk to those that have experienced PADS first hand as well. As I have discovered throughout this journey, those that have experienced what you have make you feel less alone.
Hopefully, we will all become more educated on the post-adoption process as it warrants as much if not more attention than the adoption process itself.
Go out and have a great day !
I really feel that this should be a question that adoption agency's should be prepared to answer for their "alumni" families but in my experience they are not. How do you handle the first visit with a birth family? What should you say or not say? When will everything be finalized? How do you file your income taxes and claim your child without a social security number?, etc. The list could go on and on...it doesn't matter if you were given an orientation and a packet of articles to read before you adopted. If you didn't read it then, you certainly aren't going to have time to read it once your baby is home !
After being told for almost 4 years to be "cautiously" optimistic about the entire process, I certainly did not feel that way during the wait nor did I feel that way when we finally brought our daughter home. I was everything but "optimistic".. there were too many unanswered questions and unknowns for me. I definitely felt "joy" but also felt a nagging sense of anxiety and depression which resulted in a loss of appetite, crying jags and major sleep deprivation. I don't know what I expected but my vision was definitely different from the reality of having a premature infant who had been in the NICU for 2 months living with us.
The truth is that no one can prepare you for the change that your life will undergo when you become a parent. We were told to get a good night's sleep the night before we brought our daughter home because it would be the last night we would probably sleep for the next 18 years ! What is so unique about the adoption experience is that one day you're not a parent and the next day you are an "insta-parent". This 'insta-parent" needs to know many of the same things that a biological parent does except there are more mounds of paperwork to deal with, there are birth family visits to coordinate, and there is also the constant wondering if you will ever bond with that little baby that you hold in your arms.If you also add on top of this list , the question of whether or not your child will have a permanent disability,your stress level has now gone from 0 to 100 in a short matter of time.
So this brings me to a topic that is not discussed very often (if at all) with prospective adoptive parents. That topic is Post Adoption Depression. Just as those that can produce a biological child, adoptive Moms and some Dads also can suffer from a form of Post Partum Depression named Post-Adoption Depression Syndrome of PADS. Although a lot it unknown about what the exact cause of this syndrome is, many believe that it is linked to a drop in estrogen after a child who is being placed for adoption comes home. This drop in estrogen can cause some of the symptoms that I mentioned above. If this affects you, it is not something that should be taken lightly. PADS can make you feel like there is no way that you could possibly be a "good" parent to your child. Fortunately, help is available in the form of a doctor, social worker or therapist. It is also always therapeutic (in my opinion) to talk to those that have experienced PADS first hand as well. As I have discovered throughout this journey, those that have experienced what you have make you feel less alone.
Hopefully, we will all become more educated on the post-adoption process as it warrants as much if not more attention than the adoption process itself.
Go out and have a great day !
Sunday, February 21, 2010
All the t' s are FINALLY crossed and the i's are dotted !
This weekend has been one of joyous celebration in our house as our daughter's adoption was finalized on Friday. It was very exciting to appear before the judge and see that all of the documents signed and that our daughter FINALLY legally has the name that we have given her. Not that we needed a piece of paper to tell us that our daughter is our child....we knew that the moment our eyes met hers. It's just nice to have all of the t's crossed and the i's dotted !
To say that this process has been long would be an understatement as our daughter came to live with us 16 months ago. Due to some circumstances that have been beyond our control and were in control of our beloved State of New York, the proceedings were delayed much past the originally promised date of February 2009. It's very difficult to not be in control of such an important event in your child's life but as always, Jason and I continued to have faith that one day we would see the end of this ordeal. God has once again provided us with all that we have needed in this situation to see it through and we are very grateful that it is done !
We still feel like this is a dream in some ways as we have waited so long for it to happen but one look into our precious baby girl's eyes tells us that this is very REAL and we wouldn't change a minute of the past 18 months if we tried.
Hope that all of you are doing well. Until we meet again...Keep The Faith !
To say that this process has been long would be an understatement as our daughter came to live with us 16 months ago. Due to some circumstances that have been beyond our control and were in control of our beloved State of New York, the proceedings were delayed much past the originally promised date of February 2009. It's very difficult to not be in control of such an important event in your child's life but as always, Jason and I continued to have faith that one day we would see the end of this ordeal. God has once again provided us with all that we have needed in this situation to see it through and we are very grateful that it is done !
We still feel like this is a dream in some ways as we have waited so long for it to happen but one look into our precious baby girl's eyes tells us that this is very REAL and we wouldn't change a minute of the past 18 months if we tried.
Hope that all of you are doing well. Until we meet again...Keep The Faith !
Friday, January 29, 2010
The Balance Between Work and Motherhood...
As promised, I want to talk about balancing work with having a very active toddler after being home for over a year. My re-entry into the "working world" happened completely by surprise in November. The job that I am doing as an in-school tutor was only supposed to last until January 10th but as luck would have it, it has extended to the end of February. I have to admit that I DO love having a place to go each day where I can use my talents and skills as a Teacher in a school setting.
However, I have found that leaving our daughter in a daycare setting has been my most challenging job of all. Even though I know that this is an important step in her social/emotional development, I have "Mommy" guilt for leaving her anywhere but at home or in my arms.
I can't tell you that this has been an easy process because it hasn't. I've come to realize that I now have two very important jobs that I am trying to balance. Not that I didn't realize this before but when reality strikes, it really hits home.
What I have learned so far is that for ME working makes me a better Mom. I wish I was the type of woman who could be completely fulfilled all day with staying home but I am not. My brain needs to be stimulated in other ways and there is nothing wrong with that. It's just how I am and it's okay.
I ran across this awesome resume that I want to share with all of you. It really puts the job of "Mom" into perspective. Wouldn't that be awesome to have two resumes to submit every time that you applied for a new job? I hope that you enjoy this !
Motherhood: My Other Resume
January 20, 2010
by Amber Johnson of "The Life and Times of Stella"
Share
4 Comments
I’ve jumped back into the freelance writing life in an effort to make a bit of money while I stay home with Stella Bella. This, of course, necessitated the updating of my resume.
It got me thinking. Some of my most impressive achievements and abilities will never grace the pages of this supposedly all-important document. And it seems like a shame. I am referring, of course, to motherhood–all that it requires. And with that, I present my other resume…
EXPERIENCE
Mother, 8/17/08–present (lifetime commitment)
* Collaborate with Stella, Eleanor’s father (my husband), to ensure that she grows and thrives; oversee everything from basic maintenance, such as diaper changes and feeding, to high-level development including babbling, drooling, sitting up, laughing, and rolling/tummy time, with plans to teach her how to be kind, walk, use the toilet and drive
* Provide attention, protection, guidance and full range of entertainment services including peek-a-boo, tickling, general zaniness and impromptu songs, stories and farting noises
* Willingly put my daughter’s needs before my own while still taking care of self and providing excellent example of how to live life to the fullest
* Manage public relations; handle photography and mailing of seasonal cards and wellness updates; manage upkeep of Flickr account with near-daily shots of Stella to prevent extended family from suffering cuteness withdrawal
* Love that girl with all my heart, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 52 weeks a year–even when her yelling reaches peak annoy-ability levels
Giver of Life, 8/15/08–8/17/08
* Gave birth to baby girl weighing 7 pounds and 7 ounces; filled with pure joy upon her arrival
* Kicked ass throughout 32-hour un-medicated labor during which baby’s head was transverse (sideways)
* Nearly broke husband’s hands with vice-like grip; will try harder next time
Grower of Human Being, 11/08–8/09
* Provided egg for successful fertilization; worried endlessly about fetus from moment of conception
* Attended prenatal yoga, birthing and parenting classes despite overwhelming exhaustion and overwhelmed bladder
* Ate enough cheese to feed all of Wisconsin for three years; consumed record amounts of grapefruit juice
* Tolerated the shooting of sharp pains up my rear-end for several months; withstood debilitating hip pain and baby’s roundhouse kicks
* Enjoyed pregnancy despite all of the above
Warrior, 10/08–02/09
* Assembled and coordinated a top-tier team of Seattle doctors, as well as two lactation consultants, an occupational therapist, nutritionist, dietitian and cranial osteopath
* Managed to maintain sanity when baby refused to eat; chugged olive oil and ate bacon in a valiant attempt to fatten starving, anxiety-ridden self and improve quality and caloric value of breast milk
* Mastered use of Supplemental Nursing System while successfully limiting use of the “f-word” to 400 times per day; managed insertion and maintenance of god-forsaken nasogastric feeding tube and associated god-damned pump and evil face tape and crap-tastic peripherals; sacrificed small but previously perky boobs to hospital grade breast pump
* Navigated labyrinth of hospital and health care challenges; slashed red tape and improved child’s outcome by 1000%; successfully argued case for the removal of nasogastric tube and executed successful tube weaning; produced a happier child and family as a result of round-the-clock efforts
* Analyzed growth charts, lab results and intake levels; conducted in-depth, terrifying online research on daughter’s condition and treatment
EDUCATION
The Parental Institution of Barbara and Gregory Hescock
* Coursework in everything, with an emphasis on love, the value hard work, and a good sense of humor
School of Hard Knocks
* Classes included Terrible Mistakes, Bad Relationships 101, and The Awkwardness of Middle School
Sink or Swim Academy
* Curriculum revolved around parenting without anything resembling adequate preparation
SKILLS SUMMARY
General: Expert-level nurturing, crisis and conflict management, hazardous waste handling and sanitation, budgeting, soothing, teaching life skills and morals, child safety, nursery decorating, baby-wearing, silly face and nonsensical sounds mastery
Technical: Milk production, human creation, swaddling, rocking, one-handed diapering (experience with both formula and breast milk poop platforms), bottle maintenance, reflux abatement
COMMUNITY SERVICE
* Contributed a new member to the human race
* Responsible raising of a kind, compassionate, contributing citizen
* Adept removal of screeching baby from public places, ensuring a peaceful community
* Addition to the world of a love that grows by leaps and bounds each and every day
Amber Johnson is a freelance writer, new mom, chronic worrier, and mac-and-cheese addict. Not necessarily in that order. She is working on a book about her experiences during her first year of motherhood, focused on her trials with breastfeeding, bottle feeding and even nasogastric tube feeding—and why, despite all the hoopla about how we should or should not feed our babies, we all should stop worrying so much. Really. Now all she needs is a publisher, and a glass of wine. Is that so much to ask?
However, I have found that leaving our daughter in a daycare setting has been my most challenging job of all. Even though I know that this is an important step in her social/emotional development, I have "Mommy" guilt for leaving her anywhere but at home or in my arms.
I can't tell you that this has been an easy process because it hasn't. I've come to realize that I now have two very important jobs that I am trying to balance. Not that I didn't realize this before but when reality strikes, it really hits home.
What I have learned so far is that for ME working makes me a better Mom. I wish I was the type of woman who could be completely fulfilled all day with staying home but I am not. My brain needs to be stimulated in other ways and there is nothing wrong with that. It's just how I am and it's okay.
I ran across this awesome resume that I want to share with all of you. It really puts the job of "Mom" into perspective. Wouldn't that be awesome to have two resumes to submit every time that you applied for a new job? I hope that you enjoy this !
Motherhood: My Other Resume
January 20, 2010
by Amber Johnson of "The Life and Times of Stella"
Share
4 Comments
I’ve jumped back into the freelance writing life in an effort to make a bit of money while I stay home with Stella Bella. This, of course, necessitated the updating of my resume.
It got me thinking. Some of my most impressive achievements and abilities will never grace the pages of this supposedly all-important document. And it seems like a shame. I am referring, of course, to motherhood–all that it requires. And with that, I present my other resume…
EXPERIENCE
Mother, 8/17/08–present (lifetime commitment)
* Collaborate with Stella, Eleanor’s father (my husband), to ensure that she grows and thrives; oversee everything from basic maintenance, such as diaper changes and feeding, to high-level development including babbling, drooling, sitting up, laughing, and rolling/tummy time, with plans to teach her how to be kind, walk, use the toilet and drive
* Provide attention, protection, guidance and full range of entertainment services including peek-a-boo, tickling, general zaniness and impromptu songs, stories and farting noises
* Willingly put my daughter’s needs before my own while still taking care of self and providing excellent example of how to live life to the fullest
* Manage public relations; handle photography and mailing of seasonal cards and wellness updates; manage upkeep of Flickr account with near-daily shots of Stella to prevent extended family from suffering cuteness withdrawal
* Love that girl with all my heart, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 52 weeks a year–even when her yelling reaches peak annoy-ability levels
Giver of Life, 8/15/08–8/17/08
* Gave birth to baby girl weighing 7 pounds and 7 ounces; filled with pure joy upon her arrival
* Kicked ass throughout 32-hour un-medicated labor during which baby’s head was transverse (sideways)
* Nearly broke husband’s hands with vice-like grip; will try harder next time
Grower of Human Being, 11/08–8/09
* Provided egg for successful fertilization; worried endlessly about fetus from moment of conception
* Attended prenatal yoga, birthing and parenting classes despite overwhelming exhaustion and overwhelmed bladder
* Ate enough cheese to feed all of Wisconsin for three years; consumed record amounts of grapefruit juice
* Tolerated the shooting of sharp pains up my rear-end for several months; withstood debilitating hip pain and baby’s roundhouse kicks
* Enjoyed pregnancy despite all of the above
Warrior, 10/08–02/09
* Assembled and coordinated a top-tier team of Seattle doctors, as well as two lactation consultants, an occupational therapist, nutritionist, dietitian and cranial osteopath
* Managed to maintain sanity when baby refused to eat; chugged olive oil and ate bacon in a valiant attempt to fatten starving, anxiety-ridden self and improve quality and caloric value of breast milk
* Mastered use of Supplemental Nursing System while successfully limiting use of the “f-word” to 400 times per day; managed insertion and maintenance of god-forsaken nasogastric feeding tube and associated god-damned pump and evil face tape and crap-tastic peripherals; sacrificed small but previously perky boobs to hospital grade breast pump
* Navigated labyrinth of hospital and health care challenges; slashed red tape and improved child’s outcome by 1000%; successfully argued case for the removal of nasogastric tube and executed successful tube weaning; produced a happier child and family as a result of round-the-clock efforts
* Analyzed growth charts, lab results and intake levels; conducted in-depth, terrifying online research on daughter’s condition and treatment
EDUCATION
The Parental Institution of Barbara and Gregory Hescock
* Coursework in everything, with an emphasis on love, the value hard work, and a good sense of humor
School of Hard Knocks
* Classes included Terrible Mistakes, Bad Relationships 101, and The Awkwardness of Middle School
Sink or Swim Academy
* Curriculum revolved around parenting without anything resembling adequate preparation
SKILLS SUMMARY
General: Expert-level nurturing, crisis and conflict management, hazardous waste handling and sanitation, budgeting, soothing, teaching life skills and morals, child safety, nursery decorating, baby-wearing, silly face and nonsensical sounds mastery
Technical: Milk production, human creation, swaddling, rocking, one-handed diapering (experience with both formula and breast milk poop platforms), bottle maintenance, reflux abatement
COMMUNITY SERVICE
* Contributed a new member to the human race
* Responsible raising of a kind, compassionate, contributing citizen
* Adept removal of screeching baby from public places, ensuring a peaceful community
* Addition to the world of a love that grows by leaps and bounds each and every day
Amber Johnson is a freelance writer, new mom, chronic worrier, and mac-and-cheese addict. Not necessarily in that order. She is working on a book about her experiences during her first year of motherhood, focused on her trials with breastfeeding, bottle feeding and even nasogastric tube feeding—and why, despite all the hoopla about how we should or should not feed our babies, we all should stop worrying so much. Really. Now all she needs is a publisher, and a glass of wine. Is that so much to ask?
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
November Already ....
So much has been happening around here that I haven't had time to update our blog ! Where should I begin? I guess I'll start with the NICU reunion. We did go and had a wonderful time. Several of Hailey's nurses were there and were floored with how much she has grown. It was so nice to see so many healthy, happy children and their families. How rewarding it must be for all of the medical professionals to see that all of their efforts paid off :) .
We also spent the latter part of October preparing for Halloween. This was our first Halloween that we actually got to go trick-or-treating with our daughter. Our dog and child both dressed up for the occasion (ladybug and duck respectively) and got a chance to see the neighbors together. Our daughter loved it ! She came home with a sizable amount of candy-YUM ! Her favorites were the suckers.
Since November has started,I have been very busy as tutoring for the school year has kicked in. I'm busy each and every day ( in addition to being a Mom) and I love it. I think I have finally found the balance between being a working and Stay-at-Home Mom. My job is flexible enough that I still have my afternoons (most days) free to spend with our daughter.
Our daughter is growing so quickly. She is a full-blown toddler now which is hard to believe. She is very close to walking and is climbing on everything that she can find. We have been so blessed to have the ability to parent this child.
We are getting ready for a Thanksgiving celebration with our Virginia family. It will be exciting to celebrate the holidays with our baby girl this year. At least she will understand more of what's happening this year :) .
That's the quick update...when I have time I will write more about my adventures with balancing work and being a Mom. Happy Thanksgiving to all !
We also spent the latter part of October preparing for Halloween. This was our first Halloween that we actually got to go trick-or-treating with our daughter. Our dog and child both dressed up for the occasion (ladybug and duck respectively) and got a chance to see the neighbors together. Our daughter loved it ! She came home with a sizable amount of candy-YUM ! Her favorites were the suckers.
Since November has started,I have been very busy as tutoring for the school year has kicked in. I'm busy each and every day ( in addition to being a Mom) and I love it. I think I have finally found the balance between being a working and Stay-at-Home Mom. My job is flexible enough that I still have my afternoons (most days) free to spend with our daughter.
Our daughter is growing so quickly. She is a full-blown toddler now which is hard to believe. She is very close to walking and is climbing on everything that she can find. We have been so blessed to have the ability to parent this child.
We are getting ready for a Thanksgiving celebration with our Virginia family. It will be exciting to celebrate the holidays with our baby girl this year. At least she will understand more of what's happening this year :) .
That's the quick update...when I have time I will write more about my adventures with balancing work and being a Mom. Happy Thanksgiving to all !
Thursday, October 15, 2009
A NICU reunion....
We have just found out that the NICU (where our daughter spent the first two months of her life) is having a reunion ! We are so excited that we will finally be able to properly thank all of the nurses and doctors for the excellent care that they gave our daughter. The reunion is being held for all babies that were born in the hospital and were NICU patients between the years of 1999-2009. It will be interesting to see if any of the parents/babies that we met during our daughter's stay will be there or not. It will also be interesting to see how all of the more mature "preemies" look at nine or ten years old. Sometimes, this feels like a glimpse into our child's future and it is very exciting!
We have not been back to visit since our daughter came home in October of 2008. When we left the NICU, our daughter weighed 5 pounds and 5 ounces and had an apnea monitor attached to her. There were so many emotions that we had leaving that ranged from sadness to sheer terror (how will we ever do this without nurses to help?) to utter joy. The doctors and the nurses became a second family to us. They taught us how to take care of our baby. No question we ever asked was dismissed as a "dumb" one. We learned more about the NICU in two months than we ever imagined we would. The nurses on staff were not only our guardian angels but a our daughter's as well !
The social worker, our adoption agency representative, the child specialist (who first told us about Early Intervention Services...praise be to God) and the case manager for the NICU all played a special role in helping our family deal with what our life may or may not be like as new parents to a "preemie" with some delays. We honestly do not know what we would have done without these fantastic people. I don't even want to think about what it would have been like to coordinate all of our baby's special care on our own !
When we return from the reunion, I am sure that we will have a story or two to share. We hope that you check our blog regularly for the latest updates.
We wish you peace and joy !
We have not been back to visit since our daughter came home in October of 2008. When we left the NICU, our daughter weighed 5 pounds and 5 ounces and had an apnea monitor attached to her. There were so many emotions that we had leaving that ranged from sadness to sheer terror (how will we ever do this without nurses to help?) to utter joy. The doctors and the nurses became a second family to us. They taught us how to take care of our baby. No question we ever asked was dismissed as a "dumb" one. We learned more about the NICU in two months than we ever imagined we would. The nurses on staff were not only our guardian angels but a our daughter's as well !
The social worker, our adoption agency representative, the child specialist (who first told us about Early Intervention Services...praise be to God) and the case manager for the NICU all played a special role in helping our family deal with what our life may or may not be like as new parents to a "preemie" with some delays. We honestly do not know what we would have done without these fantastic people. I don't even want to think about what it would have been like to coordinate all of our baby's special care on our own !
When we return from the reunion, I am sure that we will have a story or two to share. We hope that you check our blog regularly for the latest updates.
We wish you peace and joy !
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