I am an avid Facebook user--- I freely admit it. I guess being at home gives me less time to socialize, so FB helps me connect with people that I otherwise wouldn't get a chance to.
I wasn't always a Facebook fan. It all started when my cousin convinced me that this was the way for our family to communicate on a more frequent basis. At first, I was not sure that I wanted to delve into the world of status updates, applications and photo albums. But as time passed, I realized that many of my family members, friends, co-workers and former classmates had taken the plunge. So, I dove right in.
At the time that I entered the Facebook world. we were nearing the end of our adoption journey (unbeknownst to me). If we hadn't been, I may have considered creating a FB page for our profile. It would have been a great way to get the word out that we were indeed ready to be parents. If you are at the beginning of your journey or right in what you consider the middle, you know that getting your profile into the hands of as many birth mothers as possible increases your chances to parent. When we were going through our journey , we relied heavily on our agency and their website to send out our profile to birth mothers as often as interest was expressed. We also relied on our family and friends to help us get the word out. These weren't the only ways we got the word out but you get the idea.
It would be interesting to see if those that post profiles on Facebook get more birthmother response to their profiles than the traditional ways that others post (i.e. website, blog, e-mail, posting in public places, knowing a friend that knows someone that is considering adoption, etc.). For some reason, I tend to think that these methods would be somewhat comparable at this point but I definitely won't rule out the possibility of Facebook taking the place of many of these methods at some point.
So, at this point, I would like to share with you one of the Adoption Profiles that I have come across on Facebook. It definitely grabs your attention and tugs at your heart strings. Michelle (the prospective adoptive parent) says that the reason she made a page recently was because "It worked for another couple". I hope that it works for Michelle and Matt too. I do not know Michelle and Matt but sincen I have been through the journey and know how agonizing the wait can be, I am passing along Michelle and Matt's information. The FB Page's title is: Help Michelle and Matt Adopt A Child and their website is:
http://alovingfamily.info/
Enjoy !
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Adoption Confusion...
As most of you know, my husband and I are involved in an open adoption with our daughter's birth mother which for us means that we send cards and letters with pictures three times a year and also have visits with the birth family 3X a year as well.
This past Saturday was supposed to be our first visit of 2010. We had communicated with the birth mother about the time and place and everything seemed like it would go as smoothly as it has for the past two years. The one caveat to this visit, however, was that it was going to be just the birth mother, our daughter's half brother, myself, my husband and our daughter. This probably doesn't seem unusual to most of you reading this. However, for us it was as all of our visits thus far have included the birth Grandmother and at times the birth Aunt even though our agreement does not involve having them there.
Needless to say, we showed up on Saturday at the appropriate time and place with a hungry toddler in tow. We waited for a half an hour for the birth mother to show up and she didn't. This has never happened before...we were in complete disbelief that this woman did not show up after not seeing our daughter for almost 7 months. I can't even begin to describe how disappointed we were that this happened. The disappointment wasn't for us but for her birth mother and our daughter as they have never really had the chance to get to know each other. We also thought about the long term effects of this missed visit and what would happen if it occurred the next time we scheduled a meeting.
As we talking to our respective families about the situation, an interesting topic was presented to us. That topic was "Adoption Confusion". Adoption Confusion can be defined as : contact with first families that could possibly make adopted children question who the ‘real’ parental authority is. It was suggested to us that maybe it was for the best that the birth mother didn't show to the visit because it might be confusing for our child to have that contact,I know that many of our relatives are confused about our relationship with the birth family and selfishly would like us to have these visits be as limited as possible. These feelings are completely understandable and valid as our daughter has become such a huge part of both of our families.
To be completely honest, I have never really given adoption confusion much thought. I guess we have always assumed that our daughter wouldn't have this issue because we would always be open and honest with her about her family of origin. We also figured that since she will spend the majority of her time with us, there would be no question as to who had the 'real' parental authority.
However, I can completely understand how a child could be confused by all of the extra branches on their family tree. Family trees are confusing enough when you just have one family let alone two or three. From everything that I have read, there are very mixed feelings about this myth in the adoption community. Some people say that it is definitely true , others not so much. I think the most important thing to remember about "adoption confusion" is how much more accepting kids are compared to adults. If you don’t give kids any information they will have nothing to go on. Lack of information breeds confusion in most people. We know that our child will eventually have questions but we are working hard to ensure that there isn't any confusion. Our hope is that she will show signs of acceptance, understanding, curiosity and, of course, love to her birth family throughout her lifetime.
I'd love to hear others thoughts about this topic. Until we meet again, shalom to you !
This past Saturday was supposed to be our first visit of 2010. We had communicated with the birth mother about the time and place and everything seemed like it would go as smoothly as it has for the past two years. The one caveat to this visit, however, was that it was going to be just the birth mother, our daughter's half brother, myself, my husband and our daughter. This probably doesn't seem unusual to most of you reading this. However, for us it was as all of our visits thus far have included the birth Grandmother and at times the birth Aunt even though our agreement does not involve having them there.
Needless to say, we showed up on Saturday at the appropriate time and place with a hungry toddler in tow. We waited for a half an hour for the birth mother to show up and she didn't. This has never happened before...we were in complete disbelief that this woman did not show up after not seeing our daughter for almost 7 months. I can't even begin to describe how disappointed we were that this happened. The disappointment wasn't for us but for her birth mother and our daughter as they have never really had the chance to get to know each other. We also thought about the long term effects of this missed visit and what would happen if it occurred the next time we scheduled a meeting.
As we talking to our respective families about the situation, an interesting topic was presented to us. That topic was "Adoption Confusion". Adoption Confusion can be defined as : contact with first families that could possibly make adopted children question who the ‘real’ parental authority is. It was suggested to us that maybe it was for the best that the birth mother didn't show to the visit because it might be confusing for our child to have that contact,I know that many of our relatives are confused about our relationship with the birth family and selfishly would like us to have these visits be as limited as possible. These feelings are completely understandable and valid as our daughter has become such a huge part of both of our families.
To be completely honest, I have never really given adoption confusion much thought. I guess we have always assumed that our daughter wouldn't have this issue because we would always be open and honest with her about her family of origin. We also figured that since she will spend the majority of her time with us, there would be no question as to who had the 'real' parental authority.
However, I can completely understand how a child could be confused by all of the extra branches on their family tree. Family trees are confusing enough when you just have one family let alone two or three. From everything that I have read, there are very mixed feelings about this myth in the adoption community. Some people say that it is definitely true , others not so much. I think the most important thing to remember about "adoption confusion" is how much more accepting kids are compared to adults. If you don’t give kids any information they will have nothing to go on. Lack of information breeds confusion in most people. We know that our child will eventually have questions but we are working hard to ensure that there isn't any confusion. Our hope is that she will show signs of acceptance, understanding, curiosity and, of course, love to her birth family throughout her lifetime.
I'd love to hear others thoughts about this topic. Until we meet again, shalom to you !
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Finally..... A Celeb Adoption happens like it does for the rest of us...
Yesterday as I was waiting for my dentist appointment, I happened to notice the cover of "People" magazine. On the cover was a beaming Sandra Bullock and her adorable son, Louie. Intrigued by Sandra's adoption journey and how she managed to keep the adoption a secret for so long, I settled into a comfortable chair and began to read.
The first item that struck a chord with me was the time of Sandra's wait. Unlike some of Sandra's celebrity counterparts, she did not use her celebrity to lessen the time the process takes. Sandra said that she wanted to go through the process just like anyone else would. Bravo! Finally, a celeb who knows that the right child will find you at the right time and doesn't rush this important process.
I was also intrigued by how Sandra and her now estranged husband kept the adoption a secret. I don't know if any of you have ever had to keep a secret of that magnitude before but I can assure you that it is not easy. Thank God for all of their family and friends who respected their wishes and kept their joyful secret. I'm sure having some privacy to bond and adjust to this new family member was much appreciated :) .
I can relate to having privacy and time to bond with your new child very well. When we adopted our daughter and brought her home, we were told by our agency and social worker to give ourselves plenty of time to bond with our baby before introducing her to any friends or family members. As hard as we tried to follow this rule (and we did for a little while), we could not keep the grandparents away once they found out about our new addition, nor could we keep good friends who had been with us throughout our journey away either.
Another interesting part of this interview was the parallel between Sandra's Oscar winning role as an adoptive parent in The Blind Sideand her real life role as an Adoptive Mom. Apparently, Sandra received the call about "Louie" while she was filming 'The Blind Side' and never dreamed that her son would come into her life at the time that he did. I think that's the way it is with most of us who have adopted. When we receive the call, we are excited and in disbelief that the wait is finally coming to an end. It is my belief that none of this supposed "ironic" timing is ironic at all....it just means that divine intervention has selected a child that is an unique fit for the adoptive family.
I admire Sandra's resolve to finalize this adoption as a single parent. I can't imagine what it would be like to parent on your own ! Louie is one loved and lucky child to be able to call Sandra "Mom". Congratulations to Sandra and Louie and to anyone out there in the blogging world that may be adopting. May your parenthood journey be a wonderful adventure filled with love and happiness !
The first item that struck a chord with me was the time of Sandra's wait. Unlike some of Sandra's celebrity counterparts, she did not use her celebrity to lessen the time the process takes. Sandra said that she wanted to go through the process just like anyone else would. Bravo! Finally, a celeb who knows that the right child will find you at the right time and doesn't rush this important process.
I was also intrigued by how Sandra and her now estranged husband kept the adoption a secret. I don't know if any of you have ever had to keep a secret of that magnitude before but I can assure you that it is not easy. Thank God for all of their family and friends who respected their wishes and kept their joyful secret. I'm sure having some privacy to bond and adjust to this new family member was much appreciated :) .
I can relate to having privacy and time to bond with your new child very well. When we adopted our daughter and brought her home, we were told by our agency and social worker to give ourselves plenty of time to bond with our baby before introducing her to any friends or family members. As hard as we tried to follow this rule (and we did for a little while), we could not keep the grandparents away once they found out about our new addition, nor could we keep good friends who had been with us throughout our journey away either.
Another interesting part of this interview was the parallel between Sandra's Oscar winning role as an adoptive parent in The Blind Sideand her real life role as an Adoptive Mom. Apparently, Sandra received the call about "Louie" while she was filming 'The Blind Side' and never dreamed that her son would come into her life at the time that he did. I think that's the way it is with most of us who have adopted. When we receive the call, we are excited and in disbelief that the wait is finally coming to an end. It is my belief that none of this supposed "ironic" timing is ironic at all....it just means that divine intervention has selected a child that is an unique fit for the adoptive family.
I admire Sandra's resolve to finalize this adoption as a single parent. I can't imagine what it would be like to parent on your own ! Louie is one loved and lucky child to be able to call Sandra "Mom". Congratulations to Sandra and Louie and to anyone out there in the blogging world that may be adopting. May your parenthood journey be a wonderful adventure filled with love and happiness !
Sunday, April 11, 2010
From Russia Wirh Love ?
Why would anyone would adopt a child and then send the child back on a plane ALONE to the country they originated from? I fail to understand how why this happens. Unfortunately, this is exactly what has happened with a 5 year old Russian child who was adopted by a family in the United States this past week.
This isn't the first time that I have heard this type of story. I remember seeing a similar case about a year ago on "Dateline" where a woman and her husband sent their daughter back to the agency that they adopted her from because she had severe behavior and psychological issues that impacted not only her but the entire family. The child was violent and threatened to hurt the couple (if I remember correctly...sometimes Mommy brain sets in and I can't remember things like this).
I won't pretend to understand the decision that these couples have made because I clearly don't. We waited for our daughter for almost 4 years. Were there times that we wanted to give up and not pursue adoption anymore? Sure there were but the difference between that feeling before adopting and after adoption are two totally different discussions. Obviously, you know what our choice was and we wouldn't change it for the world.
Frankly, I can't understand how you could ever send a child back when you've devoted so much of your energy,emotions, time and money to adopt in the first place. Don't most people adopt because they want to raise a child? Did these people think that being an adoptive parent would somehow be "easier" than being any other type of parent? What does this say about the world we live in? Is this sending the message that when adoptive parenting becomes "too difficult", you can always send a child back to their country of origin without any consequences? Let's hope not !
Here's the link to the news article about the Russian adoption gone wrong:
http://abcnews.go.com/WNT/video/adopted-child-back-russia-10336704
This isn't the first time that I have heard this type of story. I remember seeing a similar case about a year ago on "Dateline" where a woman and her husband sent their daughter back to the agency that they adopted her from because she had severe behavior and psychological issues that impacted not only her but the entire family. The child was violent and threatened to hurt the couple (if I remember correctly...sometimes Mommy brain sets in and I can't remember things like this).
I won't pretend to understand the decision that these couples have made because I clearly don't. We waited for our daughter for almost 4 years. Were there times that we wanted to give up and not pursue adoption anymore? Sure there were but the difference between that feeling before adopting and after adoption are two totally different discussions. Obviously, you know what our choice was and we wouldn't change it for the world.
Frankly, I can't understand how you could ever send a child back when you've devoted so much of your energy,emotions, time and money to adopt in the first place. Don't most people adopt because they want to raise a child? Did these people think that being an adoptive parent would somehow be "easier" than being any other type of parent? What does this say about the world we live in? Is this sending the message that when adoptive parenting becomes "too difficult", you can always send a child back to their country of origin without any consequences? Let's hope not !
Here's the link to the news article about the Russian adoption gone wrong:
http://abcnews.go.com/WNT/video/adopted-child-back-russia-10336704
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
An interesting article about PADS
To learn more about Post Adoption Depression Syndrome, click on the link below:
option-depression.html
option-depression.html
We've adopted ...now what?
Our friends have recently found out that they will finally meet their little girl in China this Spring. We are beyond thrilled for them. Even though this is a joyous time for them (and their friends and family), it also brings me to ask: "Now that we've adopted.... what do we do next?
I really feel that this should be a question that adoption agency's should be prepared to answer for their "alumni" families but in my experience they are not. How do you handle the first visit with a birth family? What should you say or not say? When will everything be finalized? How do you file your income taxes and claim your child without a social security number?, etc. The list could go on and on...it doesn't matter if you were given an orientation and a packet of articles to read before you adopted. If you didn't read it then, you certainly aren't going to have time to read it once your baby is home !
After being told for almost 4 years to be "cautiously" optimistic about the entire process, I certainly did not feel that way during the wait nor did I feel that way when we finally brought our daughter home. I was everything but "optimistic".. there were too many unanswered questions and unknowns for me. I definitely felt "joy" but also felt a nagging sense of anxiety and depression which resulted in a loss of appetite, crying jags and major sleep deprivation. I don't know what I expected but my vision was definitely different from the reality of having a premature infant who had been in the NICU for 2 months living with us.
The truth is that no one can prepare you for the change that your life will undergo when you become a parent. We were told to get a good night's sleep the night before we brought our daughter home because it would be the last night we would probably sleep for the next 18 years ! What is so unique about the adoption experience is that one day you're not a parent and the next day you are an "insta-parent". This 'insta-parent" needs to know many of the same things that a biological parent does except there are more mounds of paperwork to deal with, there are birth family visits to coordinate, and there is also the constant wondering if you will ever bond with that little baby that you hold in your arms.If you also add on top of this list , the question of whether or not your child will have a permanent disability,your stress level has now gone from 0 to 100 in a short matter of time.
So this brings me to a topic that is not discussed very often (if at all) with prospective adoptive parents. That topic is Post Adoption Depression. Just as those that can produce a biological child, adoptive Moms and some Dads also can suffer from a form of Post Partum Depression named Post-Adoption Depression Syndrome of PADS. Although a lot it unknown about what the exact cause of this syndrome is, many believe that it is linked to a drop in estrogen after a child who is being placed for adoption comes home. This drop in estrogen can cause some of the symptoms that I mentioned above. If this affects you, it is not something that should be taken lightly. PADS can make you feel like there is no way that you could possibly be a "good" parent to your child. Fortunately, help is available in the form of a doctor, social worker or therapist. It is also always therapeutic (in my opinion) to talk to those that have experienced PADS first hand as well. As I have discovered throughout this journey, those that have experienced what you have make you feel less alone.
Hopefully, we will all become more educated on the post-adoption process as it warrants as much if not more attention than the adoption process itself.
Go out and have a great day !
I really feel that this should be a question that adoption agency's should be prepared to answer for their "alumni" families but in my experience they are not. How do you handle the first visit with a birth family? What should you say or not say? When will everything be finalized? How do you file your income taxes and claim your child without a social security number?, etc. The list could go on and on...it doesn't matter if you were given an orientation and a packet of articles to read before you adopted. If you didn't read it then, you certainly aren't going to have time to read it once your baby is home !
After being told for almost 4 years to be "cautiously" optimistic about the entire process, I certainly did not feel that way during the wait nor did I feel that way when we finally brought our daughter home. I was everything but "optimistic".. there were too many unanswered questions and unknowns for me. I definitely felt "joy" but also felt a nagging sense of anxiety and depression which resulted in a loss of appetite, crying jags and major sleep deprivation. I don't know what I expected but my vision was definitely different from the reality of having a premature infant who had been in the NICU for 2 months living with us.
The truth is that no one can prepare you for the change that your life will undergo when you become a parent. We were told to get a good night's sleep the night before we brought our daughter home because it would be the last night we would probably sleep for the next 18 years ! What is so unique about the adoption experience is that one day you're not a parent and the next day you are an "insta-parent". This 'insta-parent" needs to know many of the same things that a biological parent does except there are more mounds of paperwork to deal with, there are birth family visits to coordinate, and there is also the constant wondering if you will ever bond with that little baby that you hold in your arms.If you also add on top of this list , the question of whether or not your child will have a permanent disability,your stress level has now gone from 0 to 100 in a short matter of time.
So this brings me to a topic that is not discussed very often (if at all) with prospective adoptive parents. That topic is Post Adoption Depression. Just as those that can produce a biological child, adoptive Moms and some Dads also can suffer from a form of Post Partum Depression named Post-Adoption Depression Syndrome of PADS. Although a lot it unknown about what the exact cause of this syndrome is, many believe that it is linked to a drop in estrogen after a child who is being placed for adoption comes home. This drop in estrogen can cause some of the symptoms that I mentioned above. If this affects you, it is not something that should be taken lightly. PADS can make you feel like there is no way that you could possibly be a "good" parent to your child. Fortunately, help is available in the form of a doctor, social worker or therapist. It is also always therapeutic (in my opinion) to talk to those that have experienced PADS first hand as well. As I have discovered throughout this journey, those that have experienced what you have make you feel less alone.
Hopefully, we will all become more educated on the post-adoption process as it warrants as much if not more attention than the adoption process itself.
Go out and have a great day !
Sunday, February 21, 2010
All the t' s are FINALLY crossed and the i's are dotted !
This weekend has been one of joyous celebration in our house as our daughter's adoption was finalized on Friday. It was very exciting to appear before the judge and see that all of the documents signed and that our daughter FINALLY legally has the name that we have given her. Not that we needed a piece of paper to tell us that our daughter is our child....we knew that the moment our eyes met hers. It's just nice to have all of the t's crossed and the i's dotted !
To say that this process has been long would be an understatement as our daughter came to live with us 16 months ago. Due to some circumstances that have been beyond our control and were in control of our beloved State of New York, the proceedings were delayed much past the originally promised date of February 2009. It's very difficult to not be in control of such an important event in your child's life but as always, Jason and I continued to have faith that one day we would see the end of this ordeal. God has once again provided us with all that we have needed in this situation to see it through and we are very grateful that it is done !
We still feel like this is a dream in some ways as we have waited so long for it to happen but one look into our precious baby girl's eyes tells us that this is very REAL and we wouldn't change a minute of the past 18 months if we tried.
Hope that all of you are doing well. Until we meet again...Keep The Faith !
To say that this process has been long would be an understatement as our daughter came to live with us 16 months ago. Due to some circumstances that have been beyond our control and were in control of our beloved State of New York, the proceedings were delayed much past the originally promised date of February 2009. It's very difficult to not be in control of such an important event in your child's life but as always, Jason and I continued to have faith that one day we would see the end of this ordeal. God has once again provided us with all that we have needed in this situation to see it through and we are very grateful that it is done !
We still feel like this is a dream in some ways as we have waited so long for it to happen but one look into our precious baby girl's eyes tells us that this is very REAL and we wouldn't change a minute of the past 18 months if we tried.
Hope that all of you are doing well. Until we meet again...Keep The Faith !
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