Lately, I have the great desire to be working outside of the home again. I miss my career as a Teacher but know if I went back to work full-time I would miss my precious daughter even more. So, I think what I want to do is find a part-time job in the Fall. This would enable me to be here for her firsts--crawling, walking, talking and whatever else comes our way. So, this is where the dilemma comes in.... how do I balance being on the tight rope? How can I be a great part-time working Mom and be a great Mom to my baby too?
I've never had to balance this much responsibility before and don't have a clue what I will do for my baby's care while I am at work. We have a wonderful babysitter right now that I would love to have her here while I work. The problem is that I am not sure that she will be able to do this because she will more than likely have a full load of classes in the Fall. If she can't, I am considering putting the kiddo in a day care program at our church. I am not thrilled at the prospect of putting my precious bundle in a daycare center. Maybe it's because I worked in one and know that more than likely, my child would spend most of her time being sick??? All of this is, of course, pure speculation at this point in time. I may end up being home for another year if some income we are hoping to have coming in actually does.
I admit that there is a part of me that feels guilty that I have the desire to be working again after we have waited for this beautiful child for so long. There's also this part of me that also knows that I need the brain stimulation that work provides me with. I love teaching but am not sure what type of teaching job would have the type of schedule that I want/need right now. Tutoring would be something I would still love to do. I just wish I could do more of it during the earlier part of the day! What's most important to me, is the flexibility to still have quality time with our daughter. So, again I ask: How do I do this without driving myself crazy?
Even though being a parent is the most amazing and rewarding experience I have ever had, I do want to have another identity separate from "Mom". When we found out we were going to be parents, we were elated beyond belief (and still are) but I also found that I became depressed because I felt like I was losing a part of myself. I have ALWAYS worked outside of our home. It's what I have been accustomed to. What's a gal with so much energy to do?
I'd love to hear what others think about this dilemma. Meanwhile, I will continue to perform my current day job with pride. It is one of the most important and difficult jobs that I will ever have !
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3 comments:
Hi Cheryl, I've read this post twice with mixed thoughts and feelings. I'm working on sorting them out and will be in touch.
God brought you to this moment in this life. He's not going to leave you now.
Hugs!!!!!
Cheryl,
In spite of the time I've taken, I don't feel any more optimistic about my ability to express myself to you on this topic, but here goes:
I imagine some of your desire to work outside the home again is really a desire to return to a time in your life when you felt mastery. Before becoming a mom you were able to complete things, you probably felt competent and confident about most of what you encountered in a day, and unlike parenting, most of your responsibilities had finite beginnings and endings. You had adult co-workers, people who admired and appreciated you... your intellect was stimulated and you were rewarded (intrinsicially and extrinsically) for your efforts. Right?
And you traded all that for rivers of warm spit-up running down your back, mushy poop, and fits of inconsolable wailing. Your once-fertile friendship with your husband is in a state of severe drought, you're too tired to have fun, you resent the unequal distribution of labor in the home, and your nerves are shot anyway from the aforementioned fits of inconsolable wailing. Do you wonder where You went?
Trust me, Cheryl, it WILL get better. The first 12-18 months are truly the most difficult. Parenting an infant requires more stamina and determination than most of us have readily available. It develops with time and experience, never as quickly as we need it, but somehow we get by.
We get to first birthdays and wonder where a year went. We get through potty training and hardly remember the monotony of diapering. Far too quickly our roly-poly bundles sprout up, stretch out, and venture further and further from our arms.
I'm not saying you shouldn't go back to work. I'm saying that I met you at a time in your life when you were plagued by sadness and despair because you were childless. More than anything else in the world you wanted to be a mother. You wanted to raise a child. Has that changed?
No, Sally the desire to raise a child and be a Mom has not changed. What has changed is my desire to be a full-time SAHM. It just doesn't fulfill me as completely as I thought it would. So, working part-time has actually been a very good idea for my over active brain and actually makes me a much happier Mommy.
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