Sunday, May 31, 2009

Walking the tight rope....

Lately, I have the great desire to be working outside of the home again. I miss my career as a Teacher but know if I went back to work full-time I would miss my precious daughter even more. So, I think what I want to do is find a part-time job in the Fall. This would enable me to be here for her firsts--crawling, walking, talking and whatever else comes our way. So, this is where the dilemma comes in.... how do I balance being on the tight rope? How can I be a great part-time working Mom and be a great Mom to my baby too?

I've never had to balance this much responsibility before and don't have a clue what I will do for my baby's care while I am at work. We have a wonderful babysitter right now that I would love to have her here while I work. The problem is that I am not sure that she will be able to do this because she will more than likely have a full load of classes in the Fall. If she can't, I am considering putting the kiddo in a day care program at our church. I am not thrilled at the prospect of putting my precious bundle in a daycare center. Maybe it's because I worked in one and know that more than likely, my child would spend most of her time being sick??? All of this is, of course, pure speculation at this point in time. I may end up being home for another year if some income we are hoping to have coming in actually does.

I admit that there is a part of me that feels guilty that I have the desire to be working again after we have waited for this beautiful child for so long. There's also this part of me that also knows that I need the brain stimulation that work provides me with. I love teaching but am not sure what type of teaching job would have the type of schedule that I want/need right now. Tutoring would be something I would still love to do. I just wish I could do more of it during the earlier part of the day! What's most important to me, is the flexibility to still have quality time with our daughter. So, again I ask: How do I do this without driving myself crazy?

Even though being a parent is the most amazing and rewarding experience I have ever had, I do want to have another identity separate from "Mom". When we found out we were going to be parents, we were elated beyond belief (and still are) but I also found that I became depressed because I felt like I was losing a part of myself. I have ALWAYS worked outside of our home. It's what I have been accustomed to. What's a gal with so much energy to do?

I'd love to hear what others think about this dilemma. Meanwhile, I will continue to perform my current day job with pride. It is one of the most important and difficult jobs that I will ever have !

Friday, May 1, 2009

Of May and Mother's Day/All Wonen's Day.

You may wonder why I gave this post the above title. It's not just because I have a birthday and anniversary in May. This year it is primarily because I will finally be able to celebrate Mother's Day without tears in my eyes, without avoiding places with children and without staying away from anything that remotely resembles anything having to do with celebrating this "members" only holiday.

The past 8 years or so I have loathed Mother's Day. Before that time frame, I was fine with celebrating it with my own Mother, Grandmother and Sister-In-Law. Each time that we went to church on Mother's Day, the pastor would have all of the Mother's and Grandmother's stand to be recognized with a flower. With every woman that stood, I become increasingly emotional and angry. I wasn't angry at those who had children, I was angry that we didn't. I would ask myself over and over again. Why was it that we were not blessed with a child who would call me "Mom"?

I have many friends who will be asking this same question again this year. I can honestly say that any type of "parenting" holidays were the worst ones for us as we were going through our adoption journey. They are reminders of how long it's been since you became active, how long it might be before you are a parent and also of loss. It's hard to describe to someone that hasn't been there what this experience is like. I can only compare it to being in a vacuum while the rest of the world continues on as it normally would.

My husband's Aunt had a great idea many years ago. She was aggravated by the flower ceremony at her church and decided to talk with the pastor about the practice. Her idea was brilliant and pure genius. That idea was to celebrate "All Women's Day". . Although this day falls on the same day as Mother's Day, it is not just about the Moms and Grandmothers. I love this concept--just because it is Mother's Day, it does not mean that "All Women" shouldn't be celebrated. All of us are "Mothers" (whether we have children or not). The Teacher is a "Mom" to many children each and every day, the Nurse is a Mother to all of their patients and so on and so forth. I plan on continuing this celebration this year as I have done for the past 8--honoring all the important women in my life. I hope that you do the same :-) .